What do I want?

So today I had to explain to Andrea why I was being quiet at her birthday party at Six Flags. I apologized and explained that it wasn't that I wasn't having a good time celebrating her birthday, it's just that I knew I was going home to have my boyfriend break up with me.

Long story short, Andrea (also single for the first time in a long time) asked me what I want. I want Steve.

One more gasp of air before drowning

...so that's a little dramatic but it's the best analogy I could think of to describe what's going on right now.

My lesson

For a while I knew I couldn't stop because I had nothing stopping me. I always assumed love would take care of that for me, but I realize I was wrong. In order for me to learn anything, I suppose I needed to fall myself.

No New Grey's = Theresa is a Dum Dum

So I don't know what I was thinking. There was no new Grey's Anatomy - and I made Tom and Dan watch with me and everything. There was an episode I hadn't seen before so I guess that's kinda like new Grey's.

A lot to say...

I have a lot to say...though none of it really significant. Hopefully jetlag and Grey's Anatomy will still allow me to have the energy to blog tomorrow.

In recent news:
I'm a horrible bitch
I just got back from Korea
I bought a car
I've been working for a while
I moved to a house in Mountain View

More to come.

Because I have too much time on my hands

So I've been reflecting a lot recently (because that's what people with too much time on their hands do).

A year ago I was just starting my internship with Merrill Lynch and I had just gone through a weekend of endless SEO training. I recognize that SEO has already had a huge impact on my life. I learned so much from that program that would've taken me years to learn otherwise. However, I realize that I still need to work on my networking skills and my confidence. I think I'm ok with appearing to be confident...which is the first step...but actually being confident on the job and in interactions with people are different. So I'll consider those my goals: gaining confidence and improving my networking skills. Check up on me periodically and see how I'm doing. :)

So cj used to tell me that at some point in life I needed to reflect deeply to understand myself. I believed him. But based on my experience and my studies, I disagree. I've found that self-reflection only makes me sad/upset/angry. So, since I've been alone and without something to occupy myself, I've been thinking too much. I find that when I'm occupied I am generally happier. And it's not just that I'm too distracted to recognize my feelings - research has concluded the same thing.

My mother said to me the other day that this is probably the most relaxing time in my life. I have no tests, no responsibilities, just vacation. It's nice but I miss having something to do all the time. I already plan on being involved in the Tridelt and the SEO alum organizations out in San Francisco but I'd also like to learn something new or gain a new hobby.

In other news, Google just sent me pretty substantial gift cards to Ikea and Best Buy as a present. They're so good to me.

I love television

Not because it's the only thing keeping me company right now, but because it's so amazingly brilliant sometimes. I just watched the last episode of Sex and the City and I nearly cried a couple times. I don't know what's with me. I'm not an emotional person by any means. TV just knows exactly how to get to me. I find myself relating to it. It's much like my relationship with music; those media know me better than any person. Of course it's a contrived relationship that exists only because I allow it to, but hell, let me have my fun.

So in this episode of Sex and the City, Carrie said "I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Seriously. That's where it's at. Ha. Relationships generally consume my life which explains why I talk about them so much. I just need someone to keep me on my toes. It just seems guys can only keep me occupied for so long. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love can't last very long before it becomes too ridiculous, inconvenient, and consuming and turns into CAN live without each other. That's what makes me sad. It makes me wonder if marriage is really something that could make me happy. I much prefer being desperately in love to being comfortably in love.

Just my post-Sex and the City thoughts.

The bottom of my foot itches...

...and I don't know what to do. I kinda want to scratch it with a brush but it's dark in my room and I don't know where I put my brush.

So it's been about a week since graduation. Graduation itself was actually a lot more casual and unprofound than I expected it to be. Moving out was rough just because I've lived in the house for 3 years and accumulated way too much stuff. All of my stuff is in California somewhere on its way to my apartment.

I absolutely hate being at home. I am most miserable when I'm here. There's a reason I haven't lived at home since I left for college. ::sigh:: I leave here June 13th and I look forward to it. I don't think I'll be any less lonely in California, but at least I won't have my mother nagging me to go to bed. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that my mother thinks she needs to tell me when to go to bed. I think I'm capable of deciding when I go to bed. If not for Steve being within 2 hours of here, I'm pretty sure I would've attempted to hitchhike my way to the west coast by now.

This weekend Steve and I went to West Chester U to go visit some high school friends of mine who live there. There was a party and I got to see a bunch of people I was pretty sure I would never see again. It was odd just because everyone considered me to have dropped off the face of the earth - I never really attempted to get in contact with any of them when I was home before. And being around them again made me realize why I didn't. Like I've said before: there are people in life who matter and people who don't. It's harsh, but true. It's not that everyone I saw is a complete waste of life, just most of them. Of the 8 of us from my graduating class in high school, only two of us have graduated thus far. Is graduating in 4 years an indication that someone is not a waste of life? By no means. But before I went there I had made a comment to Steve that I was pretty sure that none of them had graduated because they're useless.

My father thinks I'm a whore. This kinda bothers me and kinda doesn't. I suppose I can see why he might think that. But I cannot see why he thought it appropriate to call me a "loose woman." Ha, if only he knew the crazy stories that you guys do. So I was looking at pics from formal and my mom walks by and tells me she doesn't like them because I'm leaning on too many people. Apparently my parents have seen these pictures and have discussed how leaning on my friends is an indication that I'm a dirty slut.

I know I'm ranting a lot about my parents, but I am just trying to convey my pure hatred for being home. Today I went to the grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for some 7-layer dip I was making and I took the extra long way (through 3 different towns) to get home, just because I wanted to be away from the house. Our household only has 2 cars and my mom works all the time, so I am often stuck in the house. When I do try to go out, I am interrogated like crazy and often denied permission. Then they get upset and talk about how I should be spending time with my family and not running off and playing with my friends. What the hell? Spending time with my family? They don't actually mean spending time with the family - they mean just being within the confines of the walls of the same house. When I am home (which I am 23/24 hours of the day on average, we're all in different rooms all doing our own thing.

So, in conclusion, I'm bored and lonely. Save me.

Update

So, I realize that I need to give an actual update on life so you guys know what's going on.

*I graduate in 12 days.
*In 11 days, I will be giving a speech at the IS diploma ceremony.
*I leave for CA on Tuesday, June 13.
*I'll be living in downtown Palo Alto, about 10 minutes away from work and about 45 minutes outside of San Francisco.
*The place I'm living in in Palo Alto is just a sublet for the summer while my roommate and I look for a permanent place. The sublet has 3 bedrooms, a pool, garage, and HDTV. Come visit.
*I'm living with David Murray who is also working at Google. He's a triple major in CS/Voice/HCI
*I current plan on purchasing a Honda Civic Hybrid after I get my first paycheck

I have a few finals. Empirical Research Methods and Reason, Passion, and Cognition as well as an optional Social Psychology exam which I will likely take to make up for subpar grades on other exams. Once I'm done with that there are senior events and stuff going on. I look forward to a trip to Heinz Field with the entire class as well as a night at Dave and Buster's.

After Greek Sing, I met a guy named Steve Curtis (who happens to be PiKA's Greek Sing chair...why I didn't know him until after Greek Sing...well that's just PiKA). About a week after Greek Sing I broke up with Nik but it really wasn't related to Steve or any other guys at all. I had known for a while that things weren't going to work out with me and Nik and I chose to end it. I wanted to live life as a single girl for a while. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I don't have much conviction and Steve and I are dating now. It was big and dramatic (at least on my end) when it became official (i.e. on facebook).

I'm trying to imagine what you girls (who weren't aware of all this) are thinking. The thing that comes to mind is that you're not surprised; typical Theresa behavior, I suppose. Anyway, if you care to know more about him and what the status of this whole thing is...he's a junior (not even 21! I'm so old), from Jersey (gross), business major who was formerly Math/Physics. Our first date was at a Thai place called Typhoon in Shadyside over Carnival. He ate tofu and enjoyed it; that made me happy. He leaves for home on Tuesday (one week from today) to work at this yatch club for the summer. Oh and he's this crazy pothead (I disapprove...I seriously did not know that people smoked up as much as he and his roommates do) except he quit for the summer because he has to be able to be licensed to drive boats or something. Anyway, after graduation I'm going to be at home for 3 weeks so he and I plan to rendezvouz occasionally since we're not too far from each other.

The girls here all approve of him. Apparently Leah had called dibs on him last semester when they were working together as Greek Sing chairs but I didn't know this until it was too late. She's not mad at me. Well, considering I'm graduating and I've known him for 6 weeks, I don't know what I'm doing. The poor guy, I don't know why he puts up with me. I've gone psychotic on him many times and tried to kick him out of my life...just because I feel like it's easier to do now in person rather than over the phone from different time zones. So why am I continuing to do this? I don't know. He's also the least validating guy I've ever been with but I realize maybe that's exact what I need. What I mean is that he always leaves me guessing about what he's thinking. When I ask he tells me he's not thinking anything (which has been the source of many of my psychotic episodes). He never compliments me and rarely reassures me when I get jealous of other girls. It drives me crazy.

Putting all that out there in that way kinda makes it sound like he's not a good guy. But he is. I swear. Will it work? I doubt it. I think he'll drive me crazy one day and I'll flip out. In the meantime though, at least I'm having a good time.

Oh Grey's

Why oh why can't I watch free episodes of Grey's Anatomy on the ABC website? They have Desperate Housewives and Lost but not Grey's! This is ridiculous.

Happy belated birthday

Focus

I have an inability to focus. It all started after Greek Sing. I didn't really do anything after spring break because it was Greek Sing week. Since then I've just been slacking and being a bum. I've barely been to work and I just generally procrastinate even more than I usually do. I allow myself to get distracted and I really shouldn't. I ought to be disciplined and focus but I really don't see the point. I'd rather sit around and eat or something. I think I'll go munch on some leftover popcorn across the hall...

Not doing what I'm supposed to

I should be doing homework or hard core working on booth.

No one (at least Laura, Liz, and Caryl) has updated their blog in a long time. I don't know how they expect me to keep up on their lives...by talking to them or something?

For a quick assessment of what's going on: I broke up with Nik and I started (hesitantly) to wear my lovalier again. When I visited Liz she reminded me not to take life too seriously and it really opened my eyes that last bit that they needed. I laugh to myself when Andrea, Leah, and Lacey get into huge impassioned Tri Delta rants. It's just funny because a year ago I was where they are now and there's nothing I can say that can convince them that the world will indeed keep turning despite the ridiculousness of sorority life.

Speaking of the ridiculousness of sorority life...yeah, crazy. At least we're ending my college career with a bang.

In other news, Leah and I are currently reading (actually she reads, I skim) The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. Allie mentioned it to me last year and I recommended it to Leah but ended up buying it with her. Leah told me I didn't need it (and I laughed at her) but I didn't get it to learn how to seduce people. I'm much more interested in the assessment of people and their weaknesses that make up part of the book.

Yesterday I was reading through the various seducer types and it turns out everyone else's assessment of me is very different from my own. That's expected but I'm glad I asked others or I would've never known.

I'm also glad I finally found my place again. Andrea, Leah, and I are having a fun time and I feel like part of something again. I feel comfortable just chilling with them and telling them everything, making them snacks and drinks and just spoiling everyone as much as possible.

So, in conclusion, I'm having fun but laughing at myself.

I'm an HCI major because I am interested in how people make decisions related to computers. Deep down, I believe I am actually a psychologist. I would never get a psychology degree though - that'd be useless. I don't know how to continue this entry. I want to explain all of the reasons why I believe myself to be a fair analyst of personalities, behavior, and attitude but I don't believe in talking about that sort of thing. And I know exactly why.

I hate when I get like this. I need to be able to think and focus and all I can do is listen to music hoping to find the perfect song for my mood.

Music, lyrics, and time

So I have to write my spring break post that gushes over my boyfriend and our wonderful trip but right now I feel compelled to write about how I feel right now.

So a year ago I named my blog "My Stupid Mouth" after John Mayer song. I haven't listened to the song in a while and it just came on in my playlist. It's funny how just listening to a song can take me to that time when it meant so much to me. It was the perfect theme song to my life at the time, or so I thought.

Where was I? Oh yes, so my life a year ago now that I'm here and able to admit it a year later. Junior year was the year of being torn down, destroyed, and put into my place...or so I thought.

So I don't know how much I really want to go into this. I feel like it's explaining a joke...it just isn't funny when it has to be explained.

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

Oh I'm never speaking up again

Amazing

These guys are in a Super Mario Brothers Race. It's pretty exciting actually.

Music

I love music. I think it's such an amazing concept. It can express so much in so many different ways. Listening to music always makes me happy. When I listen to music on my walks to and from classes/meetings I must look like I'm on drugs because I just smile about everything and see the entire world differently. I like my little world where I can hear the soundtrack to life that no one else can.

Ipod.

Heh heh. Not really. I just felt like this seems like some sort of weird not-so-cool music device ad or something. But seriously music is my drug.

It must be me...

This has to do with my interactions with men. People who know me know what I'm talking about (kinda...I have a lot of stories), but I didn't want to just go and throw things out into the internet world for everyone to see...

Some screwed up things have happened to me in the past and I always took it as just a funny coincidence. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's me. Do I do something to bring these things on in my life? And then they go and consume my thoughts. Maybe this is why I just laugh all this crap off all the time - because I know it's my fault. If you know what I'm doing, let me know because I'd love to be clued in.

Nick Verreos

I'm so upset. Nick Verreos lost the last Project Runway challenge and had to leave the show. It's obvious that there was producer intervention in that decision. Santino's outfit looked horrible. Absolutely horrible. The sleeve was falling off of Kara and I saw parts of her that really ought not to be seen. The only reason Santino has been on that show for so long is because he is a focal point. His personality is such that he draws attention to himself and his demeanor is amusing. That doesn't mean I like him or would be his friend - it just means he's interesting.

Nick is a good designer. I really hope he gets picked up by some fashion design company because I think he makes a much better commercial designer than most of those people would. He makes clothing that real people would wear and look good in. Granted, he has been in the final two these past few weeks, but he's been in a rut since what's-her-name stole his model! Nick was strong and stood up to Santino and I have a lot of respect for him as a person and as a designer.

Ok, that's enough posts about tv-related things now.

My love for Michelle Kwan

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty upset that Kwan withdrew from the Olympics this morning. I really wanted her to win a gold for once. I feel like she deserves it. It's hard to think that she's past the peak of her career and she's 25. She was 12 and she was more successful than I'll ever be.

For some reason, I usually dislike Asian celebrities. Maybe I'm jealous of them because we're similar in that whole race aspect, I don't know. Maybe I like Kwan because she was too young to dislike when I first heard of her. I remember when she used to wear her hair in a really tight ponytail for every competition and when it was a big deal when she started getting more womanly and sexier.

I got teary when I heard about her withdraw annoucement. It must've been the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Or perhaps it wasn't; maybe she knew it was coming but was hoping it wouldn't. I'll bet standing on as a silver medalist on the Olympic podium must've been pretty rough - knowing that if she had done just one tiny thing differently it could've been her.

I was about to say that she should've gone out on top like Seinfeld did but then I realized that that is why she hasn't left yet. Oh Michelle, if it were up to me you would've had a gold 10 years ago.

Secret embrace

The new Victoria's Secret Secret Embrace Bra is amazing. Helen, Katie, and I have taken before and after pictures to prove it. In the first picture, Helen and I are wearing Victoria's Secret Very Sexy bra. In the second, more superior and cleavage enhanced picture, we are wearing the super comfortable Secret Embrace.

Before:

After:

Trust me, there's a world of difference.

Wendy's Customer Service

Wendy's customer service has definitely gone downhill. We all knew the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger couldn't remain $0.99 forever but now I don't even know what its status is. Sometimes it's $0.99 sometime's it's $1.29. But that's not the point. Well, the point is that they're charging us more for food that is of lesser quality served with lesser service.

When I went home for break it was late at night and my family took me to Wendy's to get something to eat. We were the only car even looking at Wendy's within a 5 block radius. So we order our food and drive the car up to the window to pay/wait for our food...only we pay and they tell us to pull up further - toward the intersection (or what I'll call an intersection since this was in a parking lot). We do and we look around wondering why they made us pull up. Not another car comes while we wait. So the Wendy's person sticks his head out of the window and says "Ok, come back!" We put the car in reverse and get our food handed to us. Thank goodness my dad was as curious as I was because he asked us what that whole shuffling thing was about. "Oh, that's so that the timer doesn't time you waiting here for more than 60 seconds. We'd get in trouble."

WTF. Seriously. If you don't want to get in trouble for having us there for more than 60 seconds, how about you serve us our food within 60 seconds? If I ever get asked to do that at another restaurant I'm not going to do it. THEN we drove away and opened our JBCs only to find there was no lettuce on them. Boo Wendy's.

Last night Mike and Jack brought us Wendy's food. They bought 4 JBCs and a hamburger with only ketchup on it (now dubbed a Lacey burger). What did they receive? 5 Lacey burgers. I love my little but Lacey burgers are no where near as good as the real thing.

Wendy's - I'm disappointed.

Happy

I just got a lovely random IM from Jessica Newman. It's so nice to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. It makes me feel special that she would take the time to click on my screenname and start a conversation with me. Thanks Jess!

I'm happy. I am happy for now, at least. I'm generally in a good mood. I have some goals for this semester. I want to not procrastinate, make my senior year memorable, be worthwhile, and be social. Those are pretty much the same goals I have every semester but it doesn't usually work. Last semester I definitely didn't work to my potential and, magically (since everything always works out for me), I still came out all right.

Anyway, life is good. I have a job. Come visit me in San Francisco starting in June because I'll be at Google in Mountain View. Yay! A few months ago I posted a job description from google saying it was my dream job for after college...and now here I am living my dream I suppose.

The semester is starting up and there's a lot to look foward to - new classes, booth, greek sing, taking over the world, etc. Also, assuming my HCI project class doesn't actually meet on Mondays (because it's a project class), I will have 4 day weekends this semester. That means I should spend lots of time visiting DC and NC. Heh heh.

I do have some money troubles though. Money troubles only half stress me out. As long as I try to stay on budget and continue trying to convince my handsome, loving boyfriend to give me a credit card. Hehehe.

Anyway, to conclude, life is good. Lacey is back too! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In love, have a job, and realize I'm happy. Happiness is good.

Surprises and spontaneity

I like surprises and spontaneity. So you know what my man gives me? Surprises and spontaneity. Nik decided to come in this afternoon after my Summit classes. He's so good to me. He deals with me teasing him to no end in front of Helen. Heheheh. Tolerance, surprises, and spontaneity - that's what Nik is good for.

Michael...the future serial killer

So I recently put this picture on my desktop:


and I politely told Michael (my little bro) to look at how cute it was. He stole my laptop and left this for me...

Congrats Liz!

I'm so happy for you!

Proposal

So ladies (you know who you are), I propose that we and our significant others if you want, get together before our winter breaks are over. For the most part, we all live within a few hours of each other (except for Jess, sorry) so let's make sure we see each other sometime soon. Liz, it seems like you already have plans for New Years so I guess we'll have to work around you :P I know Laura and I were both planning to go to the NYC bash.
What do you guys think?

Happy birthday Helen!

Happy birthday to my lovely roommate Helen!

Grrr

WARNING TO MEN: Don't read any further in this entry. I promise you'll regret it.

Anyway, you know what I hate? Menstruation. What is wrong with the uterus that it needs to replace its lining every month? Why does it think it's special? I will only really use my uterus maybe 2-4 times in my life and it causes me a big hassle for 1/4 of every month. My brain doesn't feel the need to disintegrate and leak out of my nose to replace itself, so why you, uterus? Why?

I love Caryl

Hey Caryl, I love you. Isn't it cool that I have a blog where I can say that?

:P

Nik, I love you too...I'm just trying to make a point.

Michal is the man.

Nik, before you get jealous, you're my man which automatically makes you the man. Got it? Good.

V8 can be so refreshing

Yum!

So apparently the entire techie world has already heard of this...but I haven't and maybe you haven't either so here it is in all it's hilarity.


http://www.p-p-p-powerbook.com/

Basically, this guy is trying to sell his Powerbook on ebay and someone tries to scam him. He figures out a way of scamming him back by making him pay hundreds in customs taxes for a "Powerbook" which he actually just made out of a 3-ring binder for the purpose of screwing the guy. He gets a whole following and has cohorts in England taking videos of the delivery address and everything.

I'm glad at least one person has been f***ed with. I'm sick of a few bad guys making life difficult on everyone else.

Cell phones and driving.

I feel pretty strongly about people not using their cell phones while driving. I think it's dangerous and I agree a lot with what this person has to say...
Wired News: Hang Up and Drive

When I'm in the car with people and their phone rings I always try to do the phone searching and answering for them. Some people don't get it and they're like "just get my purse, I know where it is" and they spend until their voicemail picks up searching for them. Maybe they have some sort of top-secret object in their purse. Honestly, I don't care if I find a dildo there as long as I don't die. Let me look for and answer your phone! Everything's more fun that way anyway! It's so much funnier for me to answer your phone "___'s personal assistant, how can I help you?" than if you swerve around the road half paying attention to both the phone and traffic.

You know what else gets me? When people find they need to make a call while they're driving and they refuse to let me even dial the number for them. Again, I'm perfectly capable of finding my way around both a cell phone keypad and their phonebook. Perhaps their work for the CIA is the cause for their reluctance to allow me to scroll to "Mom" but again, I promise not to tell any of your enemies that you have __'s number in exchange for my life.

I know I'm being overly dramatic. The point is that there are a lot of distractions that could be avoided on the road and I'm just trying to minimize them.

Edit on 11/27: Another article that was recently posted to CNN: Police: Text-messaging driver killed cyclist

Theresa954: I was reading my blog the other day
Theresa954: hold on
Theresa954: let me find the entry
lemen17: uh oh, this oughta be good
Theresa954:
lemen17: i've never felt more threatened than when you four or five girls found out i don't recycle
lemen17: i didn't think i'd make it out alive
lemen17: hahaha that was a long time ago
lemen17: but i still feel the same fear when i hold a can of pop around you and your friends

Birthday weekend

I had a wonderful birthday weekend. Nik spent a lot of time making sure I was happy and everything was perfect - he's very sweet. He always has the best intentions in mind...even if he doesn't come through. I feel bad for forcing him to read Harry Potter but at the same time everyone ought to read Harry Potter.

The movie was very good. I do agree with the reviews that they tried to do too much with too little. There's just too much in that book to be able to convey it in 2.5 hours. A lot of storylines started but didn't really conclude...like Hagrid and Madame whatever her name is.

Anyway, back to my weekend. Nik and I got a couples massage. I <3 massages. I <3 Nik for getting me a massage. It was so awesome.

I got a beautiful necklace, a Godiva bear, a pig book, a lovely french dinner, candy, and we played Simpsons trivia. All in all, a good weekend.

Thank you honey. I love you.

Story

So I have a story to tell.

Freshman year I took CSW with Nuveen Marwah. He was tabling for Habitat for Humanity and I saw some pretty nice shirts and asked if I could have one. He said he would give one to me if I got 100% on all of my CSW exams. One by one I got my 100%s and Nuveen got more and more nervous that he would actually have to buy me a shirt. So for the last exam I opened up the email that said my grade and it said 99%. Just so you know, that wasn't even possible because there were 10 questions each worth 10 points with no partial credit or something like that. Anyway, Nuveen cheated me out of the shirt. Very upsetting.

Here we are three years later and I got a mysterious package in the mail. It was from Nuveen and it's a nice, new, long-sleeved Habitat shirt.

Thanks Nuveen. You're a man of your word even if it takes my entire college career.

So I have something I actually want to rant about and I really care about it - commas in lists. It sounds stupid but I'll talk more about it later because roll call for initiation is in 5 minutes.

Also, I got an offer from the Vanguard Group. Woo.

Everyone else

So I've always been somewhat uncomfortable with this whole blogging thing. Reading Paloma's blog made me realize why (again). Everyone seems so much better at it than me. It's like everything in life. Why would I do it when other people have more interesting and/or insightful things to say? Caryl likes to write about political stuff every once in a while. I don't know anything about politics. I don't know anything about anything. It's frustrating to have people tell me I'm smart and talented when I really can't find any evidence to support that. I hate to be down on myself and have you read it, but I constantly find myself surrounded by people who are just generally better than me.

What follows is random thoughts...

A note to you, though I seriously doubt you read: please come back. It kills me that I'm so in the dark. Yes, it's my own fault. No, I don't deserve it but no one knows more than you that I can't deal with this.

It's happening again and I'm scared. Nearly one year later only with different people in every role except for me. Liz, Caryl, and Paloma - help.

Do weird things just happen to me or do I just sabotage myself?

Ben Harper's Roses from my Friends
But it's he who laughs last
Is he who cries first
Sometimes I feel I know strangers
Better than I know my friends
Why must a beginning
Be the means to an end

The stones from my enemies
These wounds will mend
But I cannot survive
The roses from my friends

To clarify...

I still appreciate Nik's love and effort. I'm not saying his ulterior motives were evil...I just know he didn't give to charity for the sake of giving to charity.

Anyway, it seems that almost everyone who graduated is lonely. I guess it's even harder than I thought to go from being in college to being in the real world. I suppose I'm making the transition a bit more gradually though.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the Nickels for Katrina thing is just like something that happened in Seinfeld...

From "The Truth"...

ELAINE: O, your being audited? What for?

JERRY: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring.

ELAINE: When was this?

JERRY: Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

ELAINE: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.

JERRY: Volcano? Really?

ELAINE: Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...

JERRY: Something to drink?

ELAINE: What did you think, that would impress me?

JERRY: You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans

ELAINE: Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

JERRY: Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.

ELAINE: Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.


Hmmm...maybe Nik had some ulterior motive...

Nik gave to charity...for me

Check out Nickels for Katrina. Mine is the cute little orange square in the bottom right quadrant. :)

Theresa took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feel..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I've always liked ColorQuiz.

Theresa's Existing Situation

Exercises initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. Either holds, or wishes to achieve, a position of authority in which control can be exerted over events.


Theresa's Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.


Theresa's Restrained Characteristics

Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.


Theresa's Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.


Theresa's Actual Problem

Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

So I’m on another Greyhound bus and I started thinking past Halloweens. The earliest costume I can remember is being some sort of princess witch. I’m really grateful to my parents for putting up with me even when I was unreasonable as a child. I still remember that princess witch costume and how expensive it was. I thought it was so pretty and I pretty much refused to not be a princess witch. I think that was the same year I was walking through the halls of my elementary school and a teacher (who was also dressed up like a witch) asked me how my hat was so pointy because her tip kept falling over. I think the answer was something along the lines of “I stuffed paper towels in the top” but I thought it was cool that a teacher thought I was smart for doing so.

Another costume I remember was being a cheerleader. I think I remember my cheerleader costume coming with iron on letters. I’m pretty sure I remember my mom ironing the letters on. I had little pom poms and everything. The most difficult part about being a cheerleader was that when we went and did our annual Halloween parade around the little grassy area in front of our school I had to spell Marshall Street. Marshall Street was my school and that’s what cheerleaders did in my mind – spelled the names of their schools.

One year I was a bride. I think that was in 4th grade. I told my mom I had to take make up to school because brides wore makeup. She kinda laughed at me and I guess I understand why now…but she let me take some eyeshadow and lipstick or something. Margaret was my best friend at the time and her older sister was a beautician. Margaret’s older sister helped me with my makeup. Once Halloween was over I used the costume as a dress for my teddy bear, Belle. Belle had that dress for a long time. Once I stuck Belle in the washer with that dress on and when she came out there was fur in between the layer of polyester and the layer of lace of the dress. I still have Belle but I don’t have the dress.

I don’t remember much about middle school – I don’t think I dressed up then. I remember my best friend Julia and my good friend Ally both dressed up like M&Ms along with this girl I hated at the time. It made me a little jealous but at the same time they looked ridiculous so I’m glad I wasn’t invited to join them.

In high school I remember joking that me and my friends should dress up like marching band geeks…since we had the costumes for it. Our other idea was to switch uniforms with the football players for fun. I doubt they would’ve gone for that.

One year my friend Krystal and I really really wanted candy so we took Michael and one of his friends trick or treating and I think we dressed up as babies. For some strange reason (i.e. my mom) I had this weird purple once piece pajama thing. Basically, it was footie pajamas without the footies. I guess I was a pretty convincing baby.

Freshman year of college, Helen, Vipin, and I all went out trick or treating on Beeler St (again for the love of candy). We were all dressed as angels. (pic to be added later)

Sophomore year I dressed up as Princess Peach and c j dressed up as Mario. We had pretty awesome costumes, I must admit. I had a blonde wig and a huge blue broach and everything. (pic to be added later)

Junior year I had a 272 project due so I had to code all night long rather than party with my sisters. During our Halloween party I stuck a pig finger puppet on my hand and called it my costume. I was a pig. (pic to be added later)

This year I’m determined to be a typical college girl at Halloween – short skirt and high heels. We’ll see if I get any candy.

Just call me Tink

Check out my super hot Halloween costume!

Tinkerbell

Google, here I come!

I got a second round interview with Google!!!!!!!!! Yay!!! I'll be heading out to Mountain View sometime soon!

More details to come...

AIM Bug

There used to be this AIM bug that would allow you to view people's profiles even if they had you blocked. Similarly, you could IM them even if they blocked you from seeing them on your buddy list. It was more of a loophole than a bug...

Band Geek

So I'm really lame...but I got all excited when I found out videos from my old drumline days were online.

Perkiomen Valley Music/

My former roomie is too cool...

Theresa954: you're missing out on all the fun
pookie82: i am? how so?
Theresa954: Laura, Caryl, and Jess all got blogs on blogger.com like me
Theresa954: and we're commenting on each other's posts
pookie82: i'm too cool for that

If I want your crappy software I'll download it separately, thank you

So Nik and I were just talking about how it pisses us off that when we download software it's often bundled with other software we don't want.
Examples:
Quicktime - makes you install iTunes
Yahoo! Music - tries to make you install Yahoo! Messager, Yahoo Toolbar, etc.
Google Desktop - I think it tries to get you to install google toolbar.

Anyway, my point is that I know these companies are trying to get us to use their other available software but I don't want it. I'm glad Yahoo and Google give options to not download and install the extra apps, but Apple doesn't. I've noticed that Apple is being very (old school) Microsoft with it not sharing its proprietary digital music protection format. That's not completely true though...Apple is being Apple. I don't really like Apple's 'our way is the best way and I don't care what anyone else says. I'm not sharing' mindset. Again, I understand the business reasoning behind these things but I personally believe in sacrifice for the greater good of society. That's not how the business world works though.

Laura at Cambridge

Laura at Cambridge

I have a blogger friend! Yay!

I've been chosen!

So it's nearly 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I decided to screw around on Nik's computer for a while when I decided to check TartanTrak. Last time I checked I had been selected for an interview with Microsoft. This time it had Microsoft, General Electric and Google! Woo hoo!
Now, here's the dilemma (though it's not a huge one). Both my Microsoft and Google interviews are on Thursday, one right after the other unfortunately. Thursday is my tightest day, class-schedule-wise. I hope that doesn't look bad. If anything I hope it looks good that the two competing companies are trying to interview me. Heh heh.
I don't want to screw this up. I realized I've been very optimistic about this whole job search process and maybe I need to be more realistic. I can't expect to get 10000 job offers to choose among. And now I'm taking this MHCI thing more and more seriously. There's a lot to think about. Good thing I'm in this Managerial Decision Making class where my final project is to evaluate an actual decision...

Personal life update: Nik and I are having fun in the rain in DC. Yesterday we went to the Improv and saw Kevin Pollack - HILARIOUS.

Networking

This makes me out to be really pathetic, but I'm not...

So I was just looking over my blogger profile. Apparently my interests are 1. Ruling the world and 2. making friends. And I was surprised. Making friends? Since when has that been an interest of mine? It's not that I don't like friends. It's just that friends mean something different to me everyday. After SEO I very much view my friends in terms of their networking value. (I know this sounds really cold and harsh, but I promise it isn't actually as cut and dry as this.) Basically, I would much rather spend my time with more ambitious people whose futures also seem to be bright and flourishing than people who will end up managing toy stores. But then I remember...not everyone can help you, but everyone can hurt you...

I also realize that perhaps my dreams of getting a masters degree in HCI wouldn't be as important to me if I hadn't started dating Nik. I really don't think I would be taking it as seriously as I am now. Nik inspires me and since I do like to surround myself with people I'd like to be like, it makes sense that I'm dating Nik. In a way, I'm jealous that he's done with 3 degrees and I haven't even finished one. I feel like such a slacker. I'm working on catching up though.

isomatrix: except she's the only one who is interested in watching her show
isomatrix: its like she's on upn or something

lalala

I love my man.

Tomorrow is the TOC and Nik, being the awesome handsome guy he is, is redoing my resume so it looks pretty! Woo yeah! It's going to sparkle so pretty that employers won't even notice how highly unqualified I am for technical jobs.

Mista Spa-kel!

Song of the day: Saltwater

I am not the Steelers...or Pitt

...in that I do not bring despair and disappointment to my boyfriend. I almost tricked him into not leaving :)

I'm glad Nik came this weekend. For a while he wasn't going to. Being around him makes me happy. I really hope things went better with him staying here. I really don't mean to inconvenience Helen by having Nik stay here. We just don't have anywhere else to go. I know it's difficult when I have to run to a meeting or something but Nik usually sleeps. Now that I know, we try to be more aware and only stay in the room for necessities... heh heh

Nik wears my pig pants to bed. They're pig pjs I got from the men's section of target so it's not like he's wearing women's clothing. Very cute. JBC and Nathan approve I'm sure.

I <3 my man

He works so hard. He's still at work even though it's late. This is probably because I distract him during the regular work day though...

:)

Awww, my sisters are so sweet. Someone posted a congrats email to the tridelt bboard.

Disappointed

So I just explained this whole thing to Nik so it's a bit tedious to have to write about it again but I feel like it's valuable blog material.

Basically, I've been feeling unusually down all day and I just recently figured out why. I got my offer from Merrill Lynch today...hurray...except no one is hurraying with me. So it's a little lonely out here cheering for myself. I can't expect people to care what's going on in my life I guess but the people I most expected to react positively didn't (except for Lei and Eugene).

Anyway. I got my offer today. I immediately text messaged Nik and Lei because I figured they should know first...since Nik is my boyfriend and I promised Lei I'd tell him when I heard from Merrill. I went to work excited to tell Anne because I knew she'd congratulate me...but she wasn't there. I called my dad and his reaction was pretty lame. I guess I can't expect all that much from my parents. Or I suppose he wasn't surprised that I got it; really all he cared about was the details of how much I'd be making and that did not satisfy him.

I talked to Nik about it online and he was giving me all these numbers about how the price of living in NYC is so much greater and that would devalue my offer blah blah blah. I knew that going into it. Basically, no ecstatic congratulations from the one person I definitely expected it from...

I wanted to tell one of my sisters because I thought maybe someone would post to the tridelt bboard with a little "snaps to Theresa for getting an offer from Merrill Lynch." I'm so silly. Well, I waited all night til I saw Helen and I told her. She was happy for me but I didn't get a post to the bboard. Oh well.

Earlier tonight I even called my brother (hoping he'd be more impressed given he's never had a job). No. I had to remind him that the offer I was given was more than he makes...but that doesn't matter I guess.

Basically, yeah...my offer from Merrill isn't that great. I don't even care the amount they're offering me because I wasn't going to take it in the first place. The point is I worked all summer and GOT an offer.

Congrats to me.

My first Being-a-Senior-Rules Moment

I just dropped a class because I don't feel like doing the homework.

Well, that's not completely true. That's what made me research whether or not I really needed to take the class, not what made me actually drop it. It turns out I don't really need the class since I'm not going to be able to get my minor in decision science (see entry below regarding being on waitlists as a senior). Oh well. I really need more me-time anyway. Even though me-time really only translates to tridelt time. ::sigh::

I'm tired. School sucks.

Another good weekend

So I'm going to be lame again and talk about the weekend I spent with Nik.

We went to the Strip Saturday morning and Nik helped me FMR shop. I bought the most awesome hat ever. Check it out:


Nik also got a cool #1 Pittsburgh foam finger. He likes it a lot.

There's also a cool new fudge place called Fudie Wudgie. I didn't think you could sustain a place where the productline is entirely fudge (and not located on the boardwalk at the beach)...but hey whatever.

I found out my man is a good dj. Yay! Too bad he didn't save me from the freshmen who were trying to hump me on the dancefloor.

Basically, good times.

Being in love....

So now is actually a really bad time to post but I feel compelled. Nik and I had a long conversation tonight that I didn't particularly enjoy. Basically he thinks that every guy I know is trying to hit on me and that I don't value our relationship enough to defend it against them. I argue that he is crazy and that guys aren't trying to hit on me so there's no reason to need to defend our relationship.
Also, my IS project team was kinda stressing me out because we hadn't completed a few of the parts of the milestone report that's due tomorrow and I was not happy at the prospect of having to write it myself.
Anyway, back to the main point. Right now Helen is on the phone with Danny and they do not sound like a happy couple (sorry Helen). Maybe it's just that she's bogged down with work...but I've seen this before. I feel like Helen and Danny aren't in love anymore...they're just in a relationship. While relationships are lovely and all being in love and in a relationship is even better. I am in love with Nik. I admit that I do question whether or not this in love feeling can last. I hope so.
I feel bad that Nik is so accommodating of me sometimes. He was really really tired but I made him stay on the phone because I wasn't happy with our conversation. I'd rather end our nights on a lovey-dovey note than an annoyed an exasperated one. He is good to me.

CMU is like a boyfriend...

...most of the time I really love it but sometimes it doesn't make any sense. I look at my schedule and I have no idea why I'm taking half the classes I'm taking. I know it all made sense at one point and time...but it doesn't now. I can't believe I'm waitlisted for classes I'm required to take. What's the point of being a senior if there are no privileges associated with it? ;}

Anyway, other than that things are going really well. There was no gradually getting back into the swing of things. Monday alone I had 9 meetings. Ha.

So I was thinking of changing my email signature to more fully capture why I might be sending an email. Here is what it would look like:

--
Theresa Sobczak
Information Systems/Human-Computer Interaction 2006

Delta Delta Delta - Vice President of Administration
Greek Council - Vice President
Circle K - Vice President
Rho Lambda - Service and Philanthropy Co-Chairman
Dance Marathon - Catering Chairman

I feel like it's a bit much. I'm not really down with putting every little thing I do in...I feel like it's just showing off.


Now, on a different subject, my boyfriend is not like CMU. Whereas CMU likes abusing me Nik does not. I wish I could go hang out in DC or something. I miss KASMOD too. I also miss Baskin Robbins.

I had lunch with a friend today. We talked a lot about our relationships. While we did talk about a lot, there are a couple of things that stand out in my mind: One year isn't long enough and I attract weak personalities. He and I argued a bit over each of them. I don't think I actually attract or am attracted to weak personalities. His reasoning was that I have a very strong personality and I am attracted to guys I can control. I definitely disagree with that view. While I do have a strong personality I like to think that I don't let it overtake my partner. For example, I hate making the decision on what restaurant to go to. But if we go to a restaurant that I would not necessarily have chosen if I were eating alone, I'll tease about it. My friend says that teasing about the choice is pretty much asserting my view and discouraging my boyfriend from making decisions not based on what I want. Interesting theory. I hope it's not true. I would rather have someone to debate with than a man with no opinions.

Bad girlfriend

I am a bad girlfriend. Nik is at work right now - his first day. I didn't talk to him at all last night, not even to say goodnight. I know he's excitedly nervous and I wasn't even there to support him or wish him good luck. I feel very guilty. Just last week I got upset with him for not being more considerate about something that was important to me and went and did the same thing. I had forgotten my cell phone in Reinaldo's room and I was not in the state of mind to go get it at the end of the night. The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning was Nik and his being at work. I think if Nik is having a good day everything will be ok...but if he's having a bad day I think he'll be upset with me. No matter what I hope he's having a good day because I love him and I want everything to be perfect.

From Letter James

Appreciation

I appreciate Nik for pretending like he can't build Ikea furniture so I can build it for him. I'm also glad we went out for Japanese food (which I think he enjoyed more than I did) and for buying yummy yummy hand-packed Rainbow Sherbet from Baskin Robbins.

6...

As of yesterday (the 4th) Nik and I have been dating for 6 months. It seems so long and so short at the same time...

Resume revisions...

I hate my resume. I feel so lame when I look at it. I guess I have some good stuff on it but I always feel like I'm not good enough.

Anyway, I love Nik. He makes me feel good about myself. He loves me but I would never show him my crappily formatted resume.

From Beauty and the Beast...

Beast: I want to do something for her... but what?
Cogsworth: Oh, there's the usual things; flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep...

The Bus Entry

The Bus Entry

I’m on my way back to NYC from Philly. This was a travel-packed weekend, much like the weekend two weekends from now will be. On Saturday I left Chinatown headed toward Washington, D.C. Once there, I ran into Inyoung on the street and she lead me to the corner where Nik was waiting outside the Metro station. I’m glad I got to see Inyoung. She won’t be back in school this year but she is going back to Korea soon. She’s a sweet girl and it’s quite possible I will never see her again. Then again, I think I said that to myself last time I said bye to her too and look what happened.

Nik and I have concluded that DC is the most confusing place to drive in ever. I don’t get it. I think I just need to look at a map and take it in because driving around in it made no sense. The letter/number/state system doesn’t make sense to me. Grids make sense to me. Nik was crazy for having told me to go park his car while he took the ikea bed upstairs. He’s lucky I ever made it back…but I can’t say the same about me finding a parking space.

We got up way too early in the morning to get another bus from DC Chinatown to Philly Chinatown. That was a very interesting bus experience. I (again) am lucky to have gotten a seat on that bus. Not only did I not have my ticket (but I did have an email to show the confirmation number on my cell phone, thank goodness), but the bus was overpacked and everyone refused to give up their seats, even if they didn’t have tickets. There was a lot of back and forth in Chinese and I had to ask the guy behind me what was going on. Then the bus lady was yelling at this family of Mexican people to get off the bus because other people have already paid. They refused saying they would pay and they got here before everyone who was standing in the aisle, myself included. Eventually the bus lady demanded $60 for each ticket in order for them to stay on the bus. They refused and continued to insist that they deserved their seat. Eventually some stuff happened in Spanish and some woman mediated and 3 members of the family got off the bus and the father person stayed on due to some emergency in NYC. I got one of the seats they gave up.

I don’t know about this incoming freshmen class. They were a little off at today’s On the Road event in Philly. Normally these first-years and their parents are full of those typical college questions, but these weren’t. Frankly, this group was full of weirdos – unicycle girls and guys who lock themselves in their rooms to play whatever those weirdos play – in the making. Thanks a lot, admissions counselors.

I miss Nik.

Speaking of the rest of my life, I’ve recently come up with a few life goals that I suppose I should start working toward.
1) Learn to play guitar
2) Live/work in Europe and/or some other foreign country for a period in my life
3) Live for something greater than money

Dream job out of college...

This is what I want to do!!!!!!!!! (From Google Jobs)

Usability Analyst

Positions available in Mountain View, CA and New York, NY.

Help us find out about our users! Google is looking for Usability Analysts at all levels, to design and conduct user research studies throughout the product cycle. You will use a range of methods, working closely with UI designers and product teams to define new products, assess the usability of prototypes, and influence the future direction of existing products.

You will have the opportunity to work on products of all types: web sites like Google search and AdWords, web applications like Gmail and Google Maps, client applications like Picasa and Keyhole, and mobile services like Google SMS.

Surprise!

In case anyone needs to find me...
I don't think I'm going to take the apartment I looked at today. It was in a great neighborhood and I would love to live in that area sometime in my life but there was no internet or air conditioning - I was sweating like crazy just standing around and talking to the chick.
Basically, I'm not going to work an extra week at Merrill. The money would be nice but I have too much other stuff going on to do that. Besides, I realized that I need a vacation at some point.
Instead, I will spend the second week of August being all housewifey and helping Nik move into his new place. I look forward to it a lot.

Things I still need to do:
FMR planning
Dance Marathon planning
Greek Council planning
Circle K report
Buy Jess a wedding gift
Buy a plane ticket to Jess's wedding (waiting for more finalized plans to take care of that one)
Pay my parents $1000
Pay off my credit card
Read Harry Potter

Guess which one of the items on that list will get done first.


Anyway, this past weekend I had a very good time in Pittsburgh. Nik picked me up way way early in the morning and I felt bad for making him come get me. Actually, when i got off the bus I he wasn't waiting for me so I was half hoping he wasn't there so I could take a cab or something to his house and not bother him (though I'd give him a hard time about it later). It turns out he was just waiting for me outside so no Pittsburgh cab rides for me. Nik and I had several delicious meals at the Cheesecake Factory and Ginza. Nik ate Korean food for me...I was so proud...too bad I could've done a better job preparing our meal. Seriously...I'm not even 100% Korean and I would've made much yummier Korean food. I didn't get to see Nik's mom or grandma this time because I had to stay home and write part of my summer analyst research paper for ML. i saw McCue and I told him about the joys of writing a paper about software methodologies and the software development process at Merrill Lynch could be improved using methodologies.
I'm sleepy. Bed time.

Harry Potter

Harry Potter is coming out this weekend!!!!!
I'm visiting Nik this weekend!!!!!!!

The real Sparky 

My illustration of Sparky 

Bus post

I'm sitting on the bus writing this entry. I don't really know where I am. Somewhere outside Pittsburgh on the turnpike is as precise as I can be. Outside of Pittsburgh is not where I want to be. I'd much rather be in Pittsburgh or with Nik. I shouldn't complain. Nik and I had a lovely weekend and I'm going to see him again in four days. At least we get to spend our five monthiversary together. In fact, the city of New York will be having fireworks to celebrate the occasion. I also hope that Nik passes the Millionaire auditions - even if he doesn't win much (or any) money I think it would be fun.

I think I'm going to put the address to my blog in my profile, so long as it doesn't interfere with the other things in my profile (quotes, lyrics, etc). Basically, the priority will go: annoucements, quotes, lyrics, blog. However, that isn't necessarily the list of what will be seen; that list is probably more like: lyrics, annoucements, blog, quotes. Anyway, this decision comes as a result of many months of contemplation. It's not that I have anything interesting enough for people to read about, but I realize that is the decision of each potential reader to make.

John Mayer's Something's Missing just came on and, as promised, I think I will update my list of qualifications for happiness as determined by the song:
I can't be sure that this state of mine is not of my own design...
Friends: Yep, and I'm enjoying my summer friends very much.
Money: I've gotten two Merrill paychecks so far and still don't feel very rich. I have to pay my dad back for housing and I have to pay off my credit card (thanks, Peru). Oh! and taxes are a bitch! I keep trying to tell myself it was never my money in the first place, but it doesn't make me feel any better to see $500+ removed from my paycheck.
Well slept: Yes, I feel I am. I need to get back on track with my midnight bedtime for worknights though.
Opposite sex: Obviously.
Guitar: Still no, but I was JUST thinking about how I should learn to play...because that would make me cool.
Microphone: No, but I'll call this (my blog) my microphone for now.
Messages waiting when I come home: No, but I'm not all that concerned.

Honey, you should know that I had to think twice before I was ok with leaving the apostrophe in "Something's." It's not that I've ever had a problem with apostrophes (I have pretty good writing grammar, I think) but I guess I'm really conscious of their appropriate use now.

Now, about Merrill, SEO, and life in general. I should probably write drafts of the thank you letters for the CSFB seminar...one step at a time. Right now that doesn't interest me as much as writing this blog entry.


After work on Friday I feel a lot better about Merrill, my internship, and even the (temporary) direction of my career. I say temporary because I really don't think I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I don't think I'm the kind of person who would remain at the bottom for all that long, but I keep asking myself how high I would have to get before I could decide that I was satisfied. Too high and I won't have time for my future family, too low and I'll feel unfulfilled and unsuccessful. Careful balance...
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't work in the finance industry. Screw this long hours crap! Why can't America be reasonable? Why do we have to kill ourselves like this? That's why I'm moving to Scandinavia. And it's not because of Nik...I've wanted to move to Sweden for as long as I can remember...or at least since the 2004 Presidential election. Seriously, Scandinavia has got it going on (except for the cold weather).

Anyway, I was talking about my summer at Merrill. I'm going into my fifth week (nearly at the halfway point!) and things are going well. I really should try to get in earlier in the morning since SEO says I should be the first one in and the last one out...:::sigh:::. It's not about me....it's not about me....right, my SEO family? ha. I really feel like I'd get an offer if they based their decisions on performance up to this point. However, they don't and I don't know that for sure so I have to work harder and also not screw up.

SEO is great. I will be eternally grateful for everything they've taught me and inspired me to be. While I do complain about it and don't always feel like following the SEO "rules" I also realize that without them I wouldn't be as confident or as well off (offer-wise) as I am. I need to contact my mentor more. Really, I ought to take advantage of every resource I have...which is way too many sometimes.

Life in general...good. I spent last weekend with my family and we did uncharacteristically cutsie family things so I'll take that as a good sign. I really do need to be more appreciative of my parents. I try, I really do...but they can be incredibly frustrating at times. Anyone who's ever heard me talk on the phone with my mother or father can attest to that. I hate to be disrespectful, but I also hate to be disrespected, that's all. It's no excuse. I'll be more respectful, starting now.

Next week I have a phone interview with Pam Carney and John Hannon for convocation student speaker. While I feel fairly confident in my ability to give a good speech, I also don't know who my competition is :} It really would make me happy to get it, but I don't want to be selfish. I'm not doing it for completely selfish reasons though...I really really want to say something to the freshmen class. I really want to tell them to be more than just students and do more than just study...I want CMU to be a better place (cheesy, I know) and these freshmen can do that. I want them to love CMU. I get so angry when I hear about people who spend 4 years hating CMU, Pittsburgh, and everything. If that's you, it's your own fault! I don't feel sorry for you! Maybe you should've tried harder, bitch! (Hmmm...speaking words that ought to be spoken to me...only replacing a few selected words....) Well, anyway, CMU has a lot to offer for everyone. From the biggest CS nerds to the ultimate frat boys, I know people who have found their place and are happy with CMU so I think anyone can do it, it's just that some might need guidance or inspiration. That is why I want to give the convocation speech. However, I feel slightly vulnerable for throwing it out there that I'm even a candidate; I might not get it.

Restaurant week continues this week. While I feel semi-guilty about eating out and spending at least $40 at each meal, I also feel like I'd be cheating myself if I weren't taking advantage of restaurant week. Chris Watkins and I went to the lovely Sea Grill at Rockerfeller Center and it was absolutely delicious. I'm all about new experiences and stuff. I hope Nik gets in early enough on Friday that we can go to dinner. Perhaps we'll go to the Scandinavian place and it'll be yummy.

By the way, Picasa is amazing. It seriously reads my mind sometimes. The only problem I've noticed so far (actually there are two) is that when I add keywords, pressing Enter, Ctrl+Enter, Alt+Enter, Tab then Enter will not add the keyword, instead I have to press the "Add" button with my mouse. Boo. I'm a keyboard person. The other problem I've noticed is that the timeline doesn't...nevermind. I'm going to interrupt myself because I was about say a lie about Picasa. After further investigation, I was wrong in thinking the timeline uses the date the item was added to Picasa instead of the Date Created date. OK, seriously. Picasa = amazing. I <3 Google. Thank you for creating brilliant software!

It happened so naturally, I did not know it was love. The next thing i felt was you holding me close what was i gonna do, I let myself go. Ain't nobody loves me better, makes me happy, makes me feel this way...at first you put your arms around me, then you put your charms on me, I cannot resist this sweet surrender.

My favorite things about this weekend:
Seeing Nik's smile when we first saw each other
Waking up
"and it was good..."
I'm not a slut
the large supply of sweet tea
Saltwater
Hand holding (heh heh)
The inability to not hold hands
Ikea fun
Messing up a clean room
Showering every 3 hours
My bruise
Goat-like behavior

I've been trying to figure out some way of communicating with c j without making him mad. I've been considering putting something in my profile that he'll understand. I haven't come up with anything yet. But as I sit here listening to my music, "Wondering" came on and I can't help but get upset. He would definitely know it was for him, but I know that because it's breaking my heart, it'll break his too. How awful. I've been avoiding that song for months. I don't listen to Ben Folds much either anymore.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

Since I was a young man,
I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you,
I never could forget you.
I only wanna get you right here next to me.

'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.

Now my life is changing,
It's always rearranging.
It always getting stranger than I though it ever could.
Ever since I found you,
I wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

Don't tell me the bad news,
Don't tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me.
And stay right here with me.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

It's just a stupid Good Charlotte song and only he and I know what it all means. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I shouldn't still be bothered by it. I know Nik understands, but at some point he has to expect me to get over it. I've tried to separate the two lives as much as possible. There are things that I used to love but I don't share them with Nik. I'm lucky to have someone who is so patient with me.

I'm actually really upset. I feel like such a loser for not having anything to do for the second night in a row. And it's not like I didn't try. I called people, I IMed people, I told people to call me...
"Without friends, our lives are empty and meaningless" says the rabbi on Seinfeld as I write this. ha.

I work here...

First day

So I had orientation today. I don't feel like it was a real first day since I wasn't sitting at a desk or anything.

Money is a big concern. I'm very worried. I get paid next friday...but the check isn't even coming to me. It's probably better that way since my parents can probably deposit it into my PNC account faster than I would be able to.
I bought a few shirts today from old navy. I ironed one on too high a setting (it has spandex in it) and it burnt. so mad...especially since I have no money to be wasting on burnt shirts.

Vevek told me he wants to meet Nik. He also asked if we're going to get married.

Days are short...

So I'm sitting in my bed realizing that this is the exact position I was in 12 hours ago. The days are a lot shorter when there's nothing to do and nothing to stress me out...and when I sleep til noon. I guess I'm glad...because it means that I'll be back where I belong in no time. :}
Plans for tomorrow: bake chocolate chip cookies, mail chocolate chip cookies, (maybe) shop for a graduation present for Dan, go to Dan's graduation party, work on my SEO online training, some other stuff...

Sad

No goodnight phone call.
I can't spend the next year plus some waiting for a goodnight. Not that I won't...but I shouldn't allow it to consume me the way it does.

Clippership

Last night was interesting. Just to remind myself, here are the things I plan to talk about: Jess on my relationship, Liz's sweater, cj being crazy, my dream

I dreamt Nik was still here with me. I dreamt he was laying in bed and telling me how in love he is with me. I was happy. I miss him so much. I got that warm happy feeling inside when I saw his name on a receipt in my room. A receipt! How ridiculous am I?

Speaking of ridiculous...cj was crazy last night. I do feel bad for having ruined his night or whatever. I passed him on the way to the bus, he acknowledged my existence. Then he and his crew got on the same bus as us and he sat right behind me! If my presence bothers you that much, why the hell would you sit right behind me? I was told he interrogated Caryl as to what I was doing there, why she brought me (she didn't, Laura/Jess did), etc etc. Then I was able to avoid him til I got on the dance floor. My sisters happened to be dancing near him. He seemed to be having a good time and I was hoping he wouldn't notice me. Emili danced with him...and since she's one of his dream girls I figured everything was ok. Too bad she's a dance floor slut...haha. I saw them once more on the dance floor. Laura later came up to me and said in a panicked voice "you should really stay as far away from cj as possible." She explained that she said hi to cj and he flipped out on her. I apologized to Adam...hoping he could smooth things over later and he agreed that I should just stay away from him. It's not like I was seeking him out, the darn boat is only so big. I'm sorry. Oh well. I saw him once more on the boat: I was coming down the stairs and he was outside talking to Emili. He looked in the window and saw me and turned around and punched the air. After getting off the boat, I saw Adam again as we were checking out pictures and he didn't have the money for his so I offered to buy it for him. cj saw me talking to Adam and gave us really dirty looks. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I hadn't just wasted all these keystrokes on this bull.

So Liz left her purse (Coach, mind you) on a table under her pink sweater as we ran around the boat. We went to go check on her stuff later and her sweater was missing. Not the coach purse, not the cash, not the credit cards, but her sweater. We decided to keep an eye out for it and continue laughing at the idiot who would steal a sweater but not money (must've been a very cold thief). We were on the top floor when we spotted a couple and the girl was wearing the sweater. We all moved over to the railing next to them and giggled and tried to figure out if the sweater she was wearing was 3/4 length like Liz's. Indeed it was. So Jess (being the most drunk of all of us...) tried to get the girl's attention; she ignored us. We were trying to figure out what to do when I saw Mulligan. I was like "hey Mulligan, come here! we really need you." So Mulligan comes over and I explain the story to her and tell her she needs to figure out if this is Liz's sweater. So Mulligan gets her facts straight ("who's the girl with the sweater? Liz? You're Liz? Theresa's roommate? Who are you? And that's the girl right there?" etc). Mulligan walks over to the chick, physically turns her half around, punches her and starts pulling the sweater off. She hands it to Liz and asks if it's hers. It is. The girl starts explaining that she found the sweater on her chair and didn't want to just leave it, blah blah blah. It turns out Mulligan is good friends with the cold thief chick and that's why all the violence took place. We thought it was hilarious.

Finally, I was kinda pissed when a drunk Jess started lecturing to me about my relationship. Yes, I did kinda ask her what she thought of me and Nik but I expected a "you guys are cute" or something like that. She accused me of always needing a guy. She asked when the last time I didn't have a boyfriend was. I told her fall of freshmen year and she said "yeah, a whole two weeks." I don't know why I let her get to me, but I did. Maybe I'm just sensitive about my relationship. I know there are a lot of critics but I know that my heart doesn't care and I know I did the right thing. It's just hard to deal with...but I guess I'd rather have honest friends than not. I'm also glad she was drunk and didn't notice when I started talking to someone else in the middle of her rant.

The day after the last day of classes

Woo hoo! No more classes.

...too bad I screwed this semester up. Oh well, it was worth it...I hope.

sacrifices

Sometimes I feel as though I'm putting more in than he is. I don't think he realizes how much I hate using the back door when it's dark. I'm a tough girl because I came from a tough place...but being tough makes you more scared of things other people don't think about. I don't know why I allow myself to get so bothered and hurt by stupid little things that don't mean anything. I guess since I'm the one to make the walk to his house everyday I feel like I need him more than he needs me...and my personality doesn't allow me to be ok with that. I'm strong and independent...or so I like to think. I can never say no to him and maybe I should learn.
I was walking over here thinking awful things. When he wanted me to cuddle I would tell him that I was feeling too lazy to do what he wanted. But that's not productive.
I remember when I used to have these random handwritten fliers on the walls in my room to remind me of things I felt I needed to remember. My parents never liked them. They said things like "you can't change other people, you can only change yourself" in far-from-neat red permanent marker. I wish i remembered what the others said.
I want my super nintendo back.

It's good to be a Tri Delta

I'll be proud of us. I'll also let go of some of my anger and bitterness toward a certain fraternity...because karma has worked its ways and all is well with the world.

...and I'm a good luck charm. Hehehe, or at least I'll tell myself that.

Sitting in class

I'm bored. So the professor extended a deadline for homework 3 "indefinitely" about a week ago. Indefinitely means whenever...right? Anyway today in class he was like "everyone has homework 3 in, right? good." Darn. Darn darn darn. Oh well, I guess I actually have to finish tonight. I don't see how I can get in trouble for turning it in now when there was no actual deadline.
I need to go buy alcohol. It's Carnvial week darn it! Unfortunately I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow (for real this time!...and I hope I "accidentally" spit on my dentist...stupid jerk). I hope I'm not in so much pain or so high on wisdom-teeth drugs that I can't drink. Or maybe I hope that I am on happy wisdom-teeth drugs. Taking pills is a lot easier than swallowing lots of alcohol.

Booth

Ahh, the dilemma. I could work, hang out with Nik, or work on booth. Out of that list the only thing I don't want to do is the only thing I really ought to be doing. Darn CMU! What's really unfortunate is that I keep telling myself I'll work on booth right after I finish my work...too bad I'm a horrible procrastinator. At this rate I'll never get to midway. Sad face.

something to remember...

I found this quote in Paloma's facebook profile. It's something I should always remember so I'm never unhappy ever again.
"Never settle for anything less than mad, passionate and extraordinary love. There are too many mediocre things in life and love just shouldn't be one of them."

Update

So...I have been working...unfortunately I've been doing little actual writing. I spent some time at the library tonight feeling like I was doing work but maybe not. It was just comforting to get books that might somewhere have the words that need to be in my paper.
Status: 2 pages of outline done
10 pages of exam to write (by 9)
1 powerpoint presentation to create (by 12)
5-7 pages of "lessons learned" to write for PUI (by 3)

Advertising the blog....

So I've been thinking about whether or not I should let people know that I have a blog. It's not like I write anything interesting that people might want to read. At the same time, what's the point if no one is reading? At least one person is reading, and I guess that's what matters to me.

Ha, this may not be my last post tonight as I am procrastinating. This is a very bad idea considering I have to write 15 pages of BS in the next 17 hours.

Patrick, my first love

This puppy will always hold a special place in my heart. My high school sweetheart...I sometimes spent as many as 8 hours a day with him back in my high school days. Since I can't seem to add him to my Wish List (thanks Froogle...grrr) here he is...all 66"

Freak of the Week

Current themesong:
Freak of the Week by Marvelous 3
Forgive me for being a dumb girl and thanks for being so good to me when I'm not feeling like myself.

A quality conversation..

Theresa954: :{
Theresa954: I'm not actually sad...
Theresa954: I'm just pensive
o bel ange o: huh?
o bel ange o: well I'm glad you're not sad...but I'm confused.
Theresa954: haha
o bel ange o: short term memory + paloma = no memory.
Theresa954: I've been thinking about relationshipy stuff and it's getting to me
Theresa954: hahaha
Theresa954: it's cool
o bel ange o: ahhhh.
o bel ange o: oh dear. what's wrong/
Theresa954: this is coming out of nowhere
o bel ange o: ooh okay. that's fine.
Theresa954: nothing's wrong realy
Theresa954: Nik and I are fantastic
o bel ange o: i thought i had said something before and just completely forgot.
Theresa954: hahaha
o bel ange o: Well I'm glad. Relationshipy stuff in general or with someone in particular?
Theresa954: I do that
Theresa954: well, I kinda feel guilty that Nik and I are doing well
Theresa954: I've been thinking about Sara but more about cj
Theresa954: and thinking about those two can get to me after a while
o bel ange o: Well of course. It would anyone. Do you miss CJ? Or just feel bad.
Theresa954: I don't miss cj...I just feel bad
o bel ange o: I heard he was seeing someone. Any truth to that?
Theresa954: I was convinced I'd spend the rest of my life with him
Theresa954: I have no idea
Theresa954: he's married to someone on the facebook
o bel ange o: lol
o bel ange o: oh dear.
Theresa954: hahaha
o bel ange o: I understand. I dated someone for over 4 years. He was my best friend for 7 years before that. It was hard cause I had to make a change cause I was so young. Too young to be that serious. And it wasn't cause I didn' tlove him. Cause he's the reason why I want to have kids, but I just couldn't imagine me as being the person who could only imagine one future. You almost get stuck. Out of habit. Out of comfort and even out of love. And sometimes that's not enough for one person to be happy for a lifetime.
Theresa954: Yeah
o bel ange o: Change is mostly hard, but often healthy. No matter what kind of change. And even if it takes a long time to get to the place where you can see that and be happy with that. People are resiliant. And if you're happy. If Nik's happy then the others will follow suit cause they're likely to find a similar happiness along the way. Bitterness generally doesn't last long in decent people.
Theresa954: hehe
Theresa954: yeah
Theresa954: Well, I guess I'm still concerned that my relationship with Nik will only last as long as this school year
Theresa954: and perhaps I threw things away with cj for that
Theresa954: I don't regret it at all
Theresa954: but maybe I will later...
Theresa954: or maybe I won't
Theresa954: it's just a hard thing to deal with
Theresa954: I imagine that if Nik and I are still together at the end of the year that we'll try doing the long distance thing
Theresa954: it's just scary
Theresa954: we will have been dating for like 4 months
Theresa954: it seems like such a short time
Theresa954: but that's my head talking and not my heart
o bel ange o: Well then, you have your answer. You can't worry about the future all the time. It's enough pressure to be okay with what's happening now. Look at it this way, if you and CJ are meant to be together...this is just a bump in the road. If not...if you're like me and that boyfriend that I had so long ago...years from now you'll think of it as a lesson. or even as some insightful piece of personal history you can share with a friend like I'm doing with you. You and Nik may just survive. But if you don't, the relationship itself is an important part of who you are because it was a major learning experience and a transformation of sorts. You win either way.
Theresa954: Yeah, that's true
Theresa954: Unless I end up alone even after finding two amazing people
Theresa954: I feel like I'm being selfish, really
o bel ange o: Oh stop it. You'll never end up alone, T.
o bel ange o: That's just your insecurities talking.
o bel ange o: Why do you feel like you're being selfish.
o bel ange o: ?
Theresa954: It's so silly. Both of them always say all they want is to make me happy
o bel ange o: Haha. Yeah. They ALL say that.
Theresa954: haha, I know
Theresa954: but I know cj really focused a lot of his time on it
Theresa954: and I am lucky to have found both of them
Theresa954: but that makes me feel so selfish and guilty
Theresa954: why do I deserve this, you know?
o bel ange o: Exactly. Eh. You deserve it. Maybe not in the way you're thinking of right now. But this guy I used to date for like, a minute, after Dustin ( the 4 year one) and I broke up ( and I went on a dating rampage) told me that sometimes there are the kind of people out there who are never uniquely satisfied in relationships. They move around. They learn what they need to and move on. And its not necessarily a bad thing. You're just a wanderer of sorts. But one thing is for sure, you'll probably find more happiness and more love this way than anyone would in their lifetime....In essence, its a gift and a curse. You get to love a lot. That's never bad. But you gotta sacrifice a lot too. You just have to make sure you keep a balance that keeps you without regret.
o bel ange o: Regret is the killer.
Theresa954: Yeah, I always tell myself I don't regret things
Theresa954: and I rarely do
Theresa954: I don't want to be a wanderer
o bel ange o: Well look at it this way, you may leave some guys behind who are amazing in your travels, but imagine who the person who'll end up making you want to stay will be like.
Theresa954: It's just so weird to think that had cj asked me to marry him...even when we were having problems I would've said yes. Because despite everything I loved him and I knew it would be hard for a guy to top him in my life
Theresa954: maybe tridelt is getting to me
o bel ange o: Yeah.
o bel ange o: Tridelt has a tendency to do that.
Theresa954: Pearlma and I were taling about how we feel like everyone around us is all engaged and stuff
Theresa954: so we feel like if we don't have a diploma and ring by the time we leave we're failures
Theresa954: but that's totally not true
Theresa954: Your last comment is very tru
o bel ange o: I thought for a long time that what I needed was an education and tons of money so that I wouldn't have to be poor anymore and I could take care of my family and I could make my mom proud. I wanted to be that person who had that great glamourous sort of life. And after the past 4 years here...when I learned it would be really hard to near impossible to have a child or complications with pregnany...now all I want to have is kids and have a nice house and be a good mom. Your idea of the world changes alot. Maybe marriage is important to you. But maybe to someone else its paramount. *shrugs* People are different. Maybe they're really supposed to be together. My parents were high school sweethearts. But maybe they're where you were. And don't know the difference between real love that will last a lifetime and the kind of love that appears to be that way.
Theresa954: hmmm
Theresa954: Change in perspective is what scares me
o bel ange o: It should. It's a scary thing.
Theresa954: Because a few months ago I could never imagine myself being happy with someone other than cj
Theresa954: and now I don't even knwo what he did for spring break
o bel ange o: Well, its obvious that despite you're fear you still move ahead valiantly.
Theresa954: and it took me two years to figure out that I loved cj but couldn't be with him
o bel ange o: your fear
Theresa954: so no matter how happy I am in my relationship with Nik or whoever I feel like I'm going to have these benchmarks that won't allow me to completely happy until I pass them
Theresa954: if Nik and I are happy for the next year and a half, for example
Theresa954: I'll have to wait til that 2 year mark to tell myself that I really am happy and everything will be ok
o bel ange o: you want my brutally honest opinion, t?
o bel ange o: I think you think too much.
Theresa954: haha
Theresa954: I agree
Theresa954: so does Nik
o bel ange o: And I think in the end that might be your problem.
o bel ange o: Things happen. Things happened. It's okay. It happens to EVERYONE. Just go with it.
o bel ange o: And see what happens.
o bel ange o: No more Dawson's Creek type Psychoanalysis.
o bel ange o: That's the kind of thing that'll kill you.
o bel ange o: And I learned this from MUCH experience.
Theresa954: hmmm
Theresa954: you're right
o bel ange o: I know I'm right. I'm cool like that.
o bel ange o: jk.
Theresa954: I'm happy now...so I should just let myself be happy
o bel ange o: Yes. Or you'll never be happy.
o bel ange o: If that makes any sense.
o bel ange o: lol
Theresa954: hahah
o bel ange o: Take the obstacles as they come. You've got some amazing people around you who will help you. And you've got a more than good head on your shoulders.
o bel ange o: You'll be okay.
Theresa954: Yeah, I know...
Theresa954: ...I don't know why I let these things bother me so much
o bel ange o: You're a good person. Good people tend to be tortured.
o bel ange o: Cause they worry too much about other people.
o bel ange o: And because I think our generation has watched WAY too much fucking WB shows.
o bel ange o: It's a disease.
o bel ange o: Overthinkingitus.
Theresa954: hahaha
Theresa954: I never watched WB shows
Theresa954: hehe
o bel ange o: but the people around you did.
Theresa954: this is a product of my natural self
o bel ange o: and its airborne.
Theresa954: ahh, I see
o bel ange o: haha. notice how EVERYONE overthinks things.
o bel ange o: I don't think previous generations had this much of an epidemic.