I've been trying to figure out some way of communicating with c j without making him mad. I've been considering putting something in my profile that he'll understand. I haven't come up with anything yet. But as I sit here listening to my music, "Wondering" came on and I can't help but get upset. He would definitely know it was for him, but I know that because it's breaking my heart, it'll break his too. How awful. I've been avoiding that song for months. I don't listen to Ben Folds much either anymore.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

Since I was a young man,
I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you,
I never could forget you.
I only wanna get you right here next to me.

'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.

Now my life is changing,
It's always rearranging.
It always getting stranger than I though it ever could.
Ever since I found you,
I wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

Don't tell me the bad news,
Don't tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me.
And stay right here with me.

If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.

It's just a stupid Good Charlotte song and only he and I know what it all means. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I shouldn't still be bothered by it. I know Nik understands, but at some point he has to expect me to get over it. I've tried to separate the two lives as much as possible. There are things that I used to love but I don't share them with Nik. I'm lucky to have someone who is so patient with me.