Because I have too much time on my hands

So I've been reflecting a lot recently (because that's what people with too much time on their hands do).

A year ago I was just starting my internship with Merrill Lynch and I had just gone through a weekend of endless SEO training. I recognize that SEO has already had a huge impact on my life. I learned so much from that program that would've taken me years to learn otherwise. However, I realize that I still need to work on my networking skills and my confidence. I think I'm ok with appearing to be confident...which is the first step...but actually being confident on the job and in interactions with people are different. So I'll consider those my goals: gaining confidence and improving my networking skills. Check up on me periodically and see how I'm doing. :)

So cj used to tell me that at some point in life I needed to reflect deeply to understand myself. I believed him. But based on my experience and my studies, I disagree. I've found that self-reflection only makes me sad/upset/angry. So, since I've been alone and without something to occupy myself, I've been thinking too much. I find that when I'm occupied I am generally happier. And it's not just that I'm too distracted to recognize my feelings - research has concluded the same thing.

My mother said to me the other day that this is probably the most relaxing time in my life. I have no tests, no responsibilities, just vacation. It's nice but I miss having something to do all the time. I already plan on being involved in the Tridelt and the SEO alum organizations out in San Francisco but I'd also like to learn something new or gain a new hobby.

In other news, Google just sent me pretty substantial gift cards to Ikea and Best Buy as a present. They're so good to me.

I love television

Not because it's the only thing keeping me company right now, but because it's so amazingly brilliant sometimes. I just watched the last episode of Sex and the City and I nearly cried a couple times. I don't know what's with me. I'm not an emotional person by any means. TV just knows exactly how to get to me. I find myself relating to it. It's much like my relationship with music; those media know me better than any person. Of course it's a contrived relationship that exists only because I allow it to, but hell, let me have my fun.

So in this episode of Sex and the City, Carrie said "I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Seriously. That's where it's at. Ha. Relationships generally consume my life which explains why I talk about them so much. I just need someone to keep me on my toes. It just seems guys can only keep me occupied for so long. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love can't last very long before it becomes too ridiculous, inconvenient, and consuming and turns into CAN live without each other. That's what makes me sad. It makes me wonder if marriage is really something that could make me happy. I much prefer being desperately in love to being comfortably in love.

Just my post-Sex and the City thoughts.

The bottom of my foot itches...

...and I don't know what to do. I kinda want to scratch it with a brush but it's dark in my room and I don't know where I put my brush.

So it's been about a week since graduation. Graduation itself was actually a lot more casual and unprofound than I expected it to be. Moving out was rough just because I've lived in the house for 3 years and accumulated way too much stuff. All of my stuff is in California somewhere on its way to my apartment.

I absolutely hate being at home. I am most miserable when I'm here. There's a reason I haven't lived at home since I left for college. ::sigh:: I leave here June 13th and I look forward to it. I don't think I'll be any less lonely in California, but at least I won't have my mother nagging me to go to bed. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that my mother thinks she needs to tell me when to go to bed. I think I'm capable of deciding when I go to bed. If not for Steve being within 2 hours of here, I'm pretty sure I would've attempted to hitchhike my way to the west coast by now.

This weekend Steve and I went to West Chester U to go visit some high school friends of mine who live there. There was a party and I got to see a bunch of people I was pretty sure I would never see again. It was odd just because everyone considered me to have dropped off the face of the earth - I never really attempted to get in contact with any of them when I was home before. And being around them again made me realize why I didn't. Like I've said before: there are people in life who matter and people who don't. It's harsh, but true. It's not that everyone I saw is a complete waste of life, just most of them. Of the 8 of us from my graduating class in high school, only two of us have graduated thus far. Is graduating in 4 years an indication that someone is not a waste of life? By no means. But before I went there I had made a comment to Steve that I was pretty sure that none of them had graduated because they're useless.

My father thinks I'm a whore. This kinda bothers me and kinda doesn't. I suppose I can see why he might think that. But I cannot see why he thought it appropriate to call me a "loose woman." Ha, if only he knew the crazy stories that you guys do. So I was looking at pics from formal and my mom walks by and tells me she doesn't like them because I'm leaning on too many people. Apparently my parents have seen these pictures and have discussed how leaning on my friends is an indication that I'm a dirty slut.

I know I'm ranting a lot about my parents, but I am just trying to convey my pure hatred for being home. Today I went to the grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for some 7-layer dip I was making and I took the extra long way (through 3 different towns) to get home, just because I wanted to be away from the house. Our household only has 2 cars and my mom works all the time, so I am often stuck in the house. When I do try to go out, I am interrogated like crazy and often denied permission. Then they get upset and talk about how I should be spending time with my family and not running off and playing with my friends. What the hell? Spending time with my family? They don't actually mean spending time with the family - they mean just being within the confines of the walls of the same house. When I am home (which I am 23/24 hours of the day on average, we're all in different rooms all doing our own thing.

So, in conclusion, I'm bored and lonely. Save me.

Update

So, I realize that I need to give an actual update on life so you guys know what's going on.

*I graduate in 12 days.
*In 11 days, I will be giving a speech at the IS diploma ceremony.
*I leave for CA on Tuesday, June 13.
*I'll be living in downtown Palo Alto, about 10 minutes away from work and about 45 minutes outside of San Francisco.
*The place I'm living in in Palo Alto is just a sublet for the summer while my roommate and I look for a permanent place. The sublet has 3 bedrooms, a pool, garage, and HDTV. Come visit.
*I'm living with David Murray who is also working at Google. He's a triple major in CS/Voice/HCI
*I current plan on purchasing a Honda Civic Hybrid after I get my first paycheck

I have a few finals. Empirical Research Methods and Reason, Passion, and Cognition as well as an optional Social Psychology exam which I will likely take to make up for subpar grades on other exams. Once I'm done with that there are senior events and stuff going on. I look forward to a trip to Heinz Field with the entire class as well as a night at Dave and Buster's.

After Greek Sing, I met a guy named Steve Curtis (who happens to be PiKA's Greek Sing chair...why I didn't know him until after Greek Sing...well that's just PiKA). About a week after Greek Sing I broke up with Nik but it really wasn't related to Steve or any other guys at all. I had known for a while that things weren't going to work out with me and Nik and I chose to end it. I wanted to live life as a single girl for a while. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I don't have much conviction and Steve and I are dating now. It was big and dramatic (at least on my end) when it became official (i.e. on facebook).

I'm trying to imagine what you girls (who weren't aware of all this) are thinking. The thing that comes to mind is that you're not surprised; typical Theresa behavior, I suppose. Anyway, if you care to know more about him and what the status of this whole thing is...he's a junior (not even 21! I'm so old), from Jersey (gross), business major who was formerly Math/Physics. Our first date was at a Thai place called Typhoon in Shadyside over Carnival. He ate tofu and enjoyed it; that made me happy. He leaves for home on Tuesday (one week from today) to work at this yatch club for the summer. Oh and he's this crazy pothead (I disapprove...I seriously did not know that people smoked up as much as he and his roommates do) except he quit for the summer because he has to be able to be licensed to drive boats or something. Anyway, after graduation I'm going to be at home for 3 weeks so he and I plan to rendezvouz occasionally since we're not too far from each other.

The girls here all approve of him. Apparently Leah had called dibs on him last semester when they were working together as Greek Sing chairs but I didn't know this until it was too late. She's not mad at me. Well, considering I'm graduating and I've known him for 6 weeks, I don't know what I'm doing. The poor guy, I don't know why he puts up with me. I've gone psychotic on him many times and tried to kick him out of my life...just because I feel like it's easier to do now in person rather than over the phone from different time zones. So why am I continuing to do this? I don't know. He's also the least validating guy I've ever been with but I realize maybe that's exact what I need. What I mean is that he always leaves me guessing about what he's thinking. When I ask he tells me he's not thinking anything (which has been the source of many of my psychotic episodes). He never compliments me and rarely reassures me when I get jealous of other girls. It drives me crazy.

Putting all that out there in that way kinda makes it sound like he's not a good guy. But he is. I swear. Will it work? I doubt it. I think he'll drive me crazy one day and I'll flip out. In the meantime though, at least I'm having a good time.

Oh Grey's

Why oh why can't I watch free episodes of Grey's Anatomy on the ABC website? They have Desperate Housewives and Lost but not Grey's! This is ridiculous.

Happy belated birthday