Monday, August 22, 2005
Bad girlfriend
I am a bad girlfriend. Nik is at work right now - his first day. I didn't talk to him at all last night, not even to say goodnight. I know he's excitedly nervous and I wasn't even there to support him or wish him good luck. I feel very guilty. Just last week I got upset with him for not being more considerate about something that was important to me and went and did the same thing. I had forgotten my cell phone in Reinaldo's room and I was not in the state of mind to go get it at the end of the night. The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning was Nik and his being at work. I think if Nik is having a good day everything will be ok...but if he's having a bad day I think he'll be upset with me. No matter what I hope he's having a good day because I love him and I want everything to be perfect.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Appreciation
I appreciate Nik for pretending like he can't build Ikea furniture so I can build it for him. I'm also glad we went out for Japanese food (which I think he enjoyed more than I did) and for buying yummy yummy hand-packed Rainbow Sherbet from Baskin Robbins.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
6...
As of yesterday (the 4th) Nik and I have been dating for 6 months. It seems so long and so short at the same time...
Friday, July 29, 2005
Resume revisions...
I hate my resume. I feel so lame when I look at it. I guess I have some good stuff on it but I always feel like I'm not good enough.
Anyway, I love Nik. He makes me feel good about myself. He loves me but I would never show him my crappily formatted resume.
Anyway, I love Nik. He makes me feel good about myself. He loves me but I would never show him my crappily formatted resume.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Sunday, July 24, 2005
The Bus Entry
The Bus Entry
I’m on my way back to NYC from Philly. This was a travel-packed weekend, much like the weekend two weekends from now will be. On Saturday I left Chinatown headed toward Washington, D.C. Once there, I ran into Inyoung on the street and she lead me to the corner where Nik was waiting outside the Metro station. I’m glad I got to see Inyoung. She won’t be back in school this year but she is going back to Korea soon. She’s a sweet girl and it’s quite possible I will never see her again. Then again, I think I said that to myself last time I said bye to her too and look what happened.
Nik and I have concluded that DC is the most confusing place to drive in ever. I don’t get it. I think I just need to look at a map and take it in because driving around in it made no sense. The letter/number/state system doesn’t make sense to me. Grids make sense to me. Nik was crazy for having told me to go park his car while he took the ikea bed upstairs. He’s lucky I ever made it back…but I can’t say the same about me finding a parking space.
We got up way too early in the morning to get another bus from DC Chinatown to Philly Chinatown. That was a very interesting bus experience. I (again) am lucky to have gotten a seat on that bus. Not only did I not have my ticket (but I did have an email to show the confirmation number on my cell phone, thank goodness), but the bus was overpacked and everyone refused to give up their seats, even if they didn’t have tickets. There was a lot of back and forth in Chinese and I had to ask the guy behind me what was going on. Then the bus lady was yelling at this family of Mexican people to get off the bus because other people have already paid. They refused saying they would pay and they got here before everyone who was standing in the aisle, myself included. Eventually the bus lady demanded $60 for each ticket in order for them to stay on the bus. They refused and continued to insist that they deserved their seat. Eventually some stuff happened in Spanish and some woman mediated and 3 members of the family got off the bus and the father person stayed on due to some emergency in NYC. I got one of the seats they gave up.
I don’t know about this incoming freshmen class. They were a little off at today’s On the Road event in Philly. Normally these first-years and their parents are full of those typical college questions, but these weren’t. Frankly, this group was full of weirdos – unicycle girls and guys who lock themselves in their rooms to play whatever those weirdos play – in the making. Thanks a lot, admissions counselors.
I miss Nik.
Speaking of the rest of my life, I’ve recently come up with a few life goals that I suppose I should start working toward.
1) Learn to play guitar
2) Live/work in Europe and/or some other foreign country for a period in my life
3) Live for something greater than money
I’m on my way back to NYC from Philly. This was a travel-packed weekend, much like the weekend two weekends from now will be. On Saturday I left Chinatown headed toward Washington, D.C. Once there, I ran into Inyoung on the street and she lead me to the corner where Nik was waiting outside the Metro station. I’m glad I got to see Inyoung. She won’t be back in school this year but she is going back to Korea soon. She’s a sweet girl and it’s quite possible I will never see her again. Then again, I think I said that to myself last time I said bye to her too and look what happened.
Nik and I have concluded that DC is the most confusing place to drive in ever. I don’t get it. I think I just need to look at a map and take it in because driving around in it made no sense. The letter/number/state system doesn’t make sense to me. Grids make sense to me. Nik was crazy for having told me to go park his car while he took the ikea bed upstairs. He’s lucky I ever made it back…but I can’t say the same about me finding a parking space.
We got up way too early in the morning to get another bus from DC Chinatown to Philly Chinatown. That was a very interesting bus experience. I (again) am lucky to have gotten a seat on that bus. Not only did I not have my ticket (but I did have an email to show the confirmation number on my cell phone, thank goodness), but the bus was overpacked and everyone refused to give up their seats, even if they didn’t have tickets. There was a lot of back and forth in Chinese and I had to ask the guy behind me what was going on. Then the bus lady was yelling at this family of Mexican people to get off the bus because other people have already paid. They refused saying they would pay and they got here before everyone who was standing in the aisle, myself included. Eventually the bus lady demanded $60 for each ticket in order for them to stay on the bus. They refused and continued to insist that they deserved their seat. Eventually some stuff happened in Spanish and some woman mediated and 3 members of the family got off the bus and the father person stayed on due to some emergency in NYC. I got one of the seats they gave up.
I don’t know about this incoming freshmen class. They were a little off at today’s On the Road event in Philly. Normally these first-years and their parents are full of those typical college questions, but these weren’t. Frankly, this group was full of weirdos – unicycle girls and guys who lock themselves in their rooms to play whatever those weirdos play – in the making. Thanks a lot, admissions counselors.
I miss Nik.
Speaking of the rest of my life, I’ve recently come up with a few life goals that I suppose I should start working toward.
1) Learn to play guitar
2) Live/work in Europe and/or some other foreign country for a period in my life
3) Live for something greater than money
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Dream job out of college...
This is what I want to do!!!!!!!!! (From Google Jobs)
Usability Analyst
Positions available in Mountain View, CA and New York, NY.
Help us find out about our users! Google is looking for Usability Analysts at all levels, to design and conduct user research studies throughout the product cycle. You will use a range of methods, working closely with UI designers and product teams to define new products, assess the usability of prototypes, and influence the future direction of existing products.
You will have the opportunity to work on products of all types: web sites like Google search and AdWords, web applications like Gmail and Google Maps, client applications like Picasa and Keyhole, and mobile services like Google SMS.
Usability Analyst
Positions available in Mountain View, CA and New York, NY.
Help us find out about our users! Google is looking for Usability Analysts at all levels, to design and conduct user research studies throughout the product cycle. You will use a range of methods, working closely with UI designers and product teams to define new products, assess the usability of prototypes, and influence the future direction of existing products.
You will have the opportunity to work on products of all types: web sites like Google search and AdWords, web applications like Gmail and Google Maps, client applications like Picasa and Keyhole, and mobile services like Google SMS.
Surprise!
In case anyone needs to find me...
I don't think I'm going to take the apartment I looked at today. It was in a great neighborhood and I would love to live in that area sometime in my life but there was no internet or air conditioning - I was sweating like crazy just standing around and talking to the chick.
Basically, I'm not going to work an extra week at Merrill. The money would be nice but I have too much other stuff going on to do that. Besides, I realized that I need a vacation at some point.
Instead, I will spend the second week of August being all housewifey and helping Nik move into his new place. I look forward to it a lot.
Things I still need to do:
FMR planning
Dance Marathon planning
Greek Council planning
Circle K report
Buy Jess a wedding gift
Buy a plane ticket to Jess's wedding (waiting for more finalized plans to take care of that one)
Pay my parents $1000
Pay off my credit card
Read Harry Potter
Guess which one of the items on that list will get done first.
Anyway, this past weekend I had a very good time in Pittsburgh. Nik picked me up way way early in the morning and I felt bad for making him come get me. Actually, when i got off the bus I he wasn't waiting for me so I was half hoping he wasn't there so I could take a cab or something to his house and not bother him (though I'd give him a hard time about it later). It turns out he was just waiting for me outside so no Pittsburgh cab rides for me. Nik and I had several delicious meals at the Cheesecake Factory and Ginza. Nik ate Korean food for me...I was so proud...too bad I could've done a better job preparing our meal. Seriously...I'm not even 100% Korean and I would've made much yummier Korean food. I didn't get to see Nik's mom or grandma this time because I had to stay home and write part of my summer analyst research paper for ML. i saw McCue and I told him about the joys of writing a paper about software methodologies and the software development process at Merrill Lynch could be improved using methodologies.
I'm sleepy. Bed time.
I don't think I'm going to take the apartment I looked at today. It was in a great neighborhood and I would love to live in that area sometime in my life but there was no internet or air conditioning - I was sweating like crazy just standing around and talking to the chick.
Basically, I'm not going to work an extra week at Merrill. The money would be nice but I have too much other stuff going on to do that. Besides, I realized that I need a vacation at some point.
Instead, I will spend the second week of August being all housewifey and helping Nik move into his new place. I look forward to it a lot.
Things I still need to do:
FMR planning
Dance Marathon planning
Greek Council planning
Circle K report
Buy Jess a wedding gift
Buy a plane ticket to Jess's wedding (waiting for more finalized plans to take care of that one)
Pay my parents $1000
Pay off my credit card
Read Harry Potter
Guess which one of the items on that list will get done first.
Anyway, this past weekend I had a very good time in Pittsburgh. Nik picked me up way way early in the morning and I felt bad for making him come get me. Actually, when i got off the bus I he wasn't waiting for me so I was half hoping he wasn't there so I could take a cab or something to his house and not bother him (though I'd give him a hard time about it later). It turns out he was just waiting for me outside so no Pittsburgh cab rides for me. Nik and I had several delicious meals at the Cheesecake Factory and Ginza. Nik ate Korean food for me...I was so proud...too bad I could've done a better job preparing our meal. Seriously...I'm not even 100% Korean and I would've made much yummier Korean food. I didn't get to see Nik's mom or grandma this time because I had to stay home and write part of my summer analyst research paper for ML. i saw McCue and I told him about the joys of writing a paper about software methodologies and the software development process at Merrill Lynch could be improved using methodologies.
I'm sleepy. Bed time.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Bus post
I'm sitting on the bus writing this entry. I don't really know where I am. Somewhere outside Pittsburgh on the turnpike is as precise as I can be. Outside of Pittsburgh is not where I want to be. I'd much rather be in Pittsburgh or with Nik. I shouldn't complain. Nik and I had a lovely weekend and I'm going to see him again in four days. At least we get to spend our five monthiversary together. In fact, the city of New York will be having fireworks to celebrate the occasion. I also hope that Nik passes the Millionaire auditions - even if he doesn't win much (or any) money I think it would be fun.
I think I'm going to put the address to my blog in my profile, so long as it doesn't interfere with the other things in my profile (quotes, lyrics, etc). Basically, the priority will go: annoucements, quotes, lyrics, blog. However, that isn't necessarily the list of what will be seen; that list is probably more like: lyrics, annoucements, blog, quotes. Anyway, this decision comes as a result of many months of contemplation. It's not that I have anything interesting enough for people to read about, but I realize that is the decision of each potential reader to make.
John Mayer's Something's Missing just came on and, as promised, I think I will update my list of qualifications for happiness as determined by the song:
I can't be sure that this state of mine is not of my own design...
Friends: Yep, and I'm enjoying my summer friends very much.
Money: I've gotten two Merrill paychecks so far and still don't feel very rich. I have to pay my dad back for housing and I have to pay off my credit card (thanks, Peru). Oh! and taxes are a bitch! I keep trying to tell myself it was never my money in the first place, but it doesn't make me feel any better to see $500+ removed from my paycheck.
Well slept: Yes, I feel I am. I need to get back on track with my midnight bedtime for worknights though.
Opposite sex: Obviously.
Guitar: Still no, but I was JUST thinking about how I should learn to play...because that would make me cool.
Microphone: No, but I'll call this (my blog) my microphone for now.
Messages waiting when I come home: No, but I'm not all that concerned.
Honey, you should know that I had to think twice before I was ok with leaving the apostrophe in "Something's." It's not that I've ever had a problem with apostrophes (I have pretty good writing grammar, I think) but I guess I'm really conscious of their appropriate use now.
Now, about Merrill, SEO, and life in general. I should probably write drafts of the thank you letters for the CSFB seminar...one step at a time. Right now that doesn't interest me as much as writing this blog entry.
After work on Friday I feel a lot better about Merrill, my internship, and even the (temporary) direction of my career. I say temporary because I really don't think I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I don't think I'm the kind of person who would remain at the bottom for all that long, but I keep asking myself how high I would have to get before I could decide that I was satisfied. Too high and I won't have time for my future family, too low and I'll feel unfulfilled and unsuccessful. Careful balance...
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't work in the finance industry. Screw this long hours crap! Why can't America be reasonable? Why do we have to kill ourselves like this? That's why I'm moving to Scandinavia. And it's not because of Nik...I've wanted to move to Sweden for as long as I can remember...or at least since the 2004 Presidential election. Seriously, Scandinavia has got it going on (except for the cold weather).
Anyway, I was talking about my summer at Merrill. I'm going into my fifth week (nearly at the halfway point!) and things are going well. I really should try to get in earlier in the morning since SEO says I should be the first one in and the last one out...:::sigh:::. It's not about me....it's not about me....right, my SEO family? ha. I really feel like I'd get an offer if they based their decisions on performance up to this point. However, they don't and I don't know that for sure so I have to work harder and also not screw up.
SEO is great. I will be eternally grateful for everything they've taught me and inspired me to be. While I do complain about it and don't always feel like following the SEO "rules" I also realize that without them I wouldn't be as confident or as well off (offer-wise) as I am. I need to contact my mentor more. Really, I ought to take advantage of every resource I have...which is way too many sometimes.
Life in general...good. I spent last weekend with my family and we did uncharacteristically cutsie family things so I'll take that as a good sign. I really do need to be more appreciative of my parents. I try, I really do...but they can be incredibly frustrating at times. Anyone who's ever heard me talk on the phone with my mother or father can attest to that. I hate to be disrespectful, but I also hate to be disrespected, that's all. It's no excuse. I'll be more respectful, starting now.
Next week I have a phone interview with Pam Carney and John Hannon for convocation student speaker. While I feel fairly confident in my ability to give a good speech, I also don't know who my competition is :} It really would make me happy to get it, but I don't want to be selfish. I'm not doing it for completely selfish reasons though...I really really want to say something to the freshmen class. I really want to tell them to be more than just students and do more than just study...I want CMU to be a better place (cheesy, I know) and these freshmen can do that. I want them to love CMU. I get so angry when I hear about people who spend 4 years hating CMU, Pittsburgh, and everything. If that's you, it's your own fault! I don't feel sorry for you! Maybe you should've tried harder, bitch! (Hmmm...speaking words that ought to be spoken to me...only replacing a few selected words....) Well, anyway, CMU has a lot to offer for everyone. From the biggest CS nerds to the ultimate frat boys, I know people who have found their place and are happy with CMU so I think anyone can do it, it's just that some might need guidance or inspiration. That is why I want to give the convocation speech. However, I feel slightly vulnerable for throwing it out there that I'm even a candidate; I might not get it.
Restaurant week continues this week. While I feel semi-guilty about eating out and spending at least $40 at each meal, I also feel like I'd be cheating myself if I weren't taking advantage of restaurant week. Chris Watkins and I went to the lovely Sea Grill at Rockerfeller Center and it was absolutely delicious. I'm all about new experiences and stuff. I hope Nik gets in early enough on Friday that we can go to dinner. Perhaps we'll go to the Scandinavian place and it'll be yummy.
By the way, Picasa is amazing. It seriously reads my mind sometimes. The only problem I've noticed so far (actually there are two) is that when I add keywords, pressing Enter, Ctrl+Enter, Alt+Enter, Tab then Enter will not add the keyword, instead I have to press the "Add" button with my mouse. Boo. I'm a keyboard person. The other problem I've noticed is that the timeline doesn't...nevermind. I'm going to interrupt myself because I was about say a lie about Picasa. After further investigation, I was wrong in thinking the timeline uses the date the item was added to Picasa instead of the Date Created date. OK, seriously. Picasa = amazing. I <3 Google. Thank you for creating brilliant software!
It happened so naturally, I did not know it was love. The next thing i felt was you holding me close what was i gonna do, I let myself go. Ain't nobody loves me better, makes me happy, makes me feel this way...at first you put your arms around me, then you put your charms on me, I cannot resist this sweet surrender.
My favorite things about this weekend:
Seeing Nik's smile when we first saw each other
Waking up
"and it was good..."
I'm not a slut
the large supply of sweet tea
Saltwater
Hand holding (heh heh)
The inability to not hold hands
Ikea fun
Messing up a clean room
Showering every 3 hours
My bruise
Goat-like behavior
I think I'm going to put the address to my blog in my profile, so long as it doesn't interfere with the other things in my profile (quotes, lyrics, etc). Basically, the priority will go: annoucements, quotes, lyrics, blog. However, that isn't necessarily the list of what will be seen; that list is probably more like: lyrics, annoucements, blog, quotes. Anyway, this decision comes as a result of many months of contemplation. It's not that I have anything interesting enough for people to read about, but I realize that is the decision of each potential reader to make.
John Mayer's Something's Missing just came on and, as promised, I think I will update my list of qualifications for happiness as determined by the song:
I can't be sure that this state of mine is not of my own design...
Friends: Yep, and I'm enjoying my summer friends very much.
Money: I've gotten two Merrill paychecks so far and still don't feel very rich. I have to pay my dad back for housing and I have to pay off my credit card (thanks, Peru). Oh! and taxes are a bitch! I keep trying to tell myself it was never my money in the first place, but it doesn't make me feel any better to see $500+ removed from my paycheck.
Well slept: Yes, I feel I am. I need to get back on track with my midnight bedtime for worknights though.
Opposite sex: Obviously.
Guitar: Still no, but I was JUST thinking about how I should learn to play...because that would make me cool.
Microphone: No, but I'll call this (my blog) my microphone for now.
Messages waiting when I come home: No, but I'm not all that concerned.
Honey, you should know that I had to think twice before I was ok with leaving the apostrophe in "Something's." It's not that I've ever had a problem with apostrophes (I have pretty good writing grammar, I think) but I guess I'm really conscious of their appropriate use now.
Now, about Merrill, SEO, and life in general. I should probably write drafts of the thank you letters for the CSFB seminar...one step at a time. Right now that doesn't interest me as much as writing this blog entry.
After work on Friday I feel a lot better about Merrill, my internship, and even the (temporary) direction of my career. I say temporary because I really don't think I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I don't think I'm the kind of person who would remain at the bottom for all that long, but I keep asking myself how high I would have to get before I could decide that I was satisfied. Too high and I won't have time for my future family, too low and I'll feel unfulfilled and unsuccessful. Careful balance...
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't work in the finance industry. Screw this long hours crap! Why can't America be reasonable? Why do we have to kill ourselves like this? That's why I'm moving to Scandinavia. And it's not because of Nik...I've wanted to move to Sweden for as long as I can remember...or at least since the 2004 Presidential election. Seriously, Scandinavia has got it going on (except for the cold weather).
Anyway, I was talking about my summer at Merrill. I'm going into my fifth week (nearly at the halfway point!) and things are going well. I really should try to get in earlier in the morning since SEO says I should be the first one in and the last one out...:::sigh:::. It's not about me....it's not about me....right, my SEO family? ha. I really feel like I'd get an offer if they based their decisions on performance up to this point. However, they don't and I don't know that for sure so I have to work harder and also not screw up.
SEO is great. I will be eternally grateful for everything they've taught me and inspired me to be. While I do complain about it and don't always feel like following the SEO "rules" I also realize that without them I wouldn't be as confident or as well off (offer-wise) as I am. I need to contact my mentor more. Really, I ought to take advantage of every resource I have...which is way too many sometimes.
Life in general...good. I spent last weekend with my family and we did uncharacteristically cutsie family things so I'll take that as a good sign. I really do need to be more appreciative of my parents. I try, I really do...but they can be incredibly frustrating at times. Anyone who's ever heard me talk on the phone with my mother or father can attest to that. I hate to be disrespectful, but I also hate to be disrespected, that's all. It's no excuse. I'll be more respectful, starting now.
Next week I have a phone interview with Pam Carney and John Hannon for convocation student speaker. While I feel fairly confident in my ability to give a good speech, I also don't know who my competition is :} It really would make me happy to get it, but I don't want to be selfish. I'm not doing it for completely selfish reasons though...I really really want to say something to the freshmen class. I really want to tell them to be more than just students and do more than just study...I want CMU to be a better place (cheesy, I know) and these freshmen can do that. I want them to love CMU. I get so angry when I hear about people who spend 4 years hating CMU, Pittsburgh, and everything. If that's you, it's your own fault! I don't feel sorry for you! Maybe you should've tried harder, bitch! (Hmmm...speaking words that ought to be spoken to me...only replacing a few selected words....) Well, anyway, CMU has a lot to offer for everyone. From the biggest CS nerds to the ultimate frat boys, I know people who have found their place and are happy with CMU so I think anyone can do it, it's just that some might need guidance or inspiration. That is why I want to give the convocation speech. However, I feel slightly vulnerable for throwing it out there that I'm even a candidate; I might not get it.
Restaurant week continues this week. While I feel semi-guilty about eating out and spending at least $40 at each meal, I also feel like I'd be cheating myself if I weren't taking advantage of restaurant week. Chris Watkins and I went to the lovely Sea Grill at Rockerfeller Center and it was absolutely delicious. I'm all about new experiences and stuff. I hope Nik gets in early enough on Friday that we can go to dinner. Perhaps we'll go to the Scandinavian place and it'll be yummy.
By the way, Picasa is amazing. It seriously reads my mind sometimes. The only problem I've noticed so far (actually there are two) is that when I add keywords, pressing Enter, Ctrl+Enter, Alt+Enter, Tab then Enter will not add the keyword, instead I have to press the "Add" button with my mouse. Boo. I'm a keyboard person. The other problem I've noticed is that the timeline doesn't...nevermind. I'm going to interrupt myself because I was about say a lie about Picasa. After further investigation, I was wrong in thinking the timeline uses the date the item was added to Picasa instead of the Date Created date. OK, seriously. Picasa = amazing. I <3 Google. Thank you for creating brilliant software!
It happened so naturally, I did not know it was love. The next thing i felt was you holding me close what was i gonna do, I let myself go. Ain't nobody loves me better, makes me happy, makes me feel this way...at first you put your arms around me, then you put your charms on me, I cannot resist this sweet surrender.
My favorite things about this weekend:
Seeing Nik's smile when we first saw each other
Waking up
"and it was good..."
I'm not a slut
the large supply of sweet tea
Saltwater
Hand holding (heh heh)
The inability to not hold hands
Ikea fun
Messing up a clean room
Showering every 3 hours
My bruise
Goat-like behavior
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I've been trying to figure out some way of communicating with c j without making him mad. I've been considering putting something in my profile that he'll understand. I haven't come up with anything yet. But as I sit here listening to my music, "Wondering" came on and I can't help but get upset. He would definitely know it was for him, but I know that because it's breaking my heart, it'll break his too. How awful. I've been avoiding that song for months. I don't listen to Ben Folds much either anymore.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
Since I was a young man,
I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you,
I never could forget you.
I only wanna get you right here next to me.
'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.
Now my life is changing,
It's always rearranging.
It always getting stranger than I though it ever could.
Ever since I found you,
I wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
Don't tell me the bad news,
Don't tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me.
And stay right here with me.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
It's just a stupid Good Charlotte song and only he and I know what it all means. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I shouldn't still be bothered by it. I know Nik understands, but at some point he has to expect me to get over it. I've tried to separate the two lives as much as possible. There are things that I used to love but I don't share them with Nik. I'm lucky to have someone who is so patient with me.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
Since I was a young man,
I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you,
I never could forget you.
I only wanna get you right here next to me.
'Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.
Now my life is changing,
It's always rearranging.
It always getting stranger than I though it ever could.
Ever since I found you,
I wanna be around you.
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
Don't tell me the bad news,
Don't tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me.
And stay right here with me.
If you want me to wait,
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay,
I would stay right thru.
If you dont want to say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering.
It's just a stupid Good Charlotte song and only he and I know what it all means. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like I shouldn't still be bothered by it. I know Nik understands, but at some point he has to expect me to get over it. I've tried to separate the two lives as much as possible. There are things that I used to love but I don't share them with Nik. I'm lucky to have someone who is so patient with me.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I'm actually really upset. I feel like such a loser for not having anything to do for the second night in a row. And it's not like I didn't try. I called people, I IMed people, I told people to call me...
"Without friends, our lives are empty and meaningless" says the rabbi on Seinfeld as I write this. ha.
"Without friends, our lives are empty and meaningless" says the rabbi on Seinfeld as I write this. ha.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
First day
So I had orientation today. I don't feel like it was a real first day since I wasn't sitting at a desk or anything.
Money is a big concern. I'm very worried. I get paid next friday...but the check isn't even coming to me. It's probably better that way since my parents can probably deposit it into my PNC account faster than I would be able to.
I bought a few shirts today from old navy. I ironed one on too high a setting (it has spandex in it) and it burnt. so mad...especially since I have no money to be wasting on burnt shirts.
Vevek told me he wants to meet Nik. He also asked if we're going to get married.
Money is a big concern. I'm very worried. I get paid next friday...but the check isn't even coming to me. It's probably better that way since my parents can probably deposit it into my PNC account faster than I would be able to.
I bought a few shirts today from old navy. I ironed one on too high a setting (it has spandex in it) and it burnt. so mad...especially since I have no money to be wasting on burnt shirts.
Vevek told me he wants to meet Nik. He also asked if we're going to get married.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Days are short...
So I'm sitting in my bed realizing that this is the exact position I was in 12 hours ago. The days are a lot shorter when there's nothing to do and nothing to stress me out...and when I sleep til noon. I guess I'm glad...because it means that I'll be back where I belong in no time. :}
Plans for tomorrow: bake chocolate chip cookies, mail chocolate chip cookies, (maybe) shop for a graduation present for Dan, go to Dan's graduation party, work on my SEO online training, some other stuff...
Plans for tomorrow: bake chocolate chip cookies, mail chocolate chip cookies, (maybe) shop for a graduation present for Dan, go to Dan's graduation party, work on my SEO online training, some other stuff...
Friday, May 13, 2005
Sad
No goodnight phone call.
I can't spend the next year plus some waiting for a goodnight. Not that I won't...but I shouldn't allow it to consume me the way it does.
I can't spend the next year plus some waiting for a goodnight. Not that I won't...but I shouldn't allow it to consume me the way it does.
Clippership
Last night was interesting. Just to remind myself, here are the things I plan to talk about: Jess on my relationship, Liz's sweater, cj being crazy, my dream
I dreamt Nik was still here with me. I dreamt he was laying in bed and telling me how in love he is with me. I was happy. I miss him so much. I got that warm happy feeling inside when I saw his name on a receipt in my room. A receipt! How ridiculous am I?
Speaking of ridiculous...cj was crazy last night. I do feel bad for having ruined his night or whatever. I passed him on the way to the bus, he acknowledged my existence. Then he and his crew got on the same bus as us and he sat right behind me! If my presence bothers you that much, why the hell would you sit right behind me? I was told he interrogated Caryl as to what I was doing there, why she brought me (she didn't, Laura/Jess did), etc etc. Then I was able to avoid him til I got on the dance floor. My sisters happened to be dancing near him. He seemed to be having a good time and I was hoping he wouldn't notice me. Emili danced with him...and since she's one of his dream girls I figured everything was ok. Too bad she's a dance floor slut...haha. I saw them once more on the dance floor. Laura later came up to me and said in a panicked voice "you should really stay as far away from cj as possible." She explained that she said hi to cj and he flipped out on her. I apologized to Adam...hoping he could smooth things over later and he agreed that I should just stay away from him. It's not like I was seeking him out, the darn boat is only so big. I'm sorry. Oh well. I saw him once more on the boat: I was coming down the stairs and he was outside talking to Emili. He looked in the window and saw me and turned around and punched the air. After getting off the boat, I saw Adam again as we were checking out pictures and he didn't have the money for his so I offered to buy it for him. cj saw me talking to Adam and gave us really dirty looks. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I hadn't just wasted all these keystrokes on this bull.
So Liz left her purse (Coach, mind you) on a table under her pink sweater as we ran around the boat. We went to go check on her stuff later and her sweater was missing. Not the coach purse, not the cash, not the credit cards, but her sweater. We decided to keep an eye out for it and continue laughing at the idiot who would steal a sweater but not money (must've been a very cold thief). We were on the top floor when we spotted a couple and the girl was wearing the sweater. We all moved over to the railing next to them and giggled and tried to figure out if the sweater she was wearing was 3/4 length like Liz's. Indeed it was. So Jess (being the most drunk of all of us...) tried to get the girl's attention; she ignored us. We were trying to figure out what to do when I saw Mulligan. I was like "hey Mulligan, come here! we really need you." So Mulligan comes over and I explain the story to her and tell her she needs to figure out if this is Liz's sweater. So Mulligan gets her facts straight ("who's the girl with the sweater? Liz? You're Liz? Theresa's roommate? Who are you? And that's the girl right there?" etc). Mulligan walks over to the chick, physically turns her half around, punches her and starts pulling the sweater off. She hands it to Liz and asks if it's hers. It is. The girl starts explaining that she found the sweater on her chair and didn't want to just leave it, blah blah blah. It turns out Mulligan is good friends with the cold thief chick and that's why all the violence took place. We thought it was hilarious.
Finally, I was kinda pissed when a drunk Jess started lecturing to me about my relationship. Yes, I did kinda ask her what she thought of me and Nik but I expected a "you guys are cute" or something like that. She accused me of always needing a guy. She asked when the last time I didn't have a boyfriend was. I told her fall of freshmen year and she said "yeah, a whole two weeks." I don't know why I let her get to me, but I did. Maybe I'm just sensitive about my relationship. I know there are a lot of critics but I know that my heart doesn't care and I know I did the right thing. It's just hard to deal with...but I guess I'd rather have honest friends than not. I'm also glad she was drunk and didn't notice when I started talking to someone else in the middle of her rant.
I dreamt Nik was still here with me. I dreamt he was laying in bed and telling me how in love he is with me. I was happy. I miss him so much. I got that warm happy feeling inside when I saw his name on a receipt in my room. A receipt! How ridiculous am I?
Speaking of ridiculous...cj was crazy last night. I do feel bad for having ruined his night or whatever. I passed him on the way to the bus, he acknowledged my existence. Then he and his crew got on the same bus as us and he sat right behind me! If my presence bothers you that much, why the hell would you sit right behind me? I was told he interrogated Caryl as to what I was doing there, why she brought me (she didn't, Laura/Jess did), etc etc. Then I was able to avoid him til I got on the dance floor. My sisters happened to be dancing near him. He seemed to be having a good time and I was hoping he wouldn't notice me. Emili danced with him...and since she's one of his dream girls I figured everything was ok. Too bad she's a dance floor slut...haha. I saw them once more on the dance floor. Laura later came up to me and said in a panicked voice "you should really stay as far away from cj as possible." She explained that she said hi to cj and he flipped out on her. I apologized to Adam...hoping he could smooth things over later and he agreed that I should just stay away from him. It's not like I was seeking him out, the darn boat is only so big. I'm sorry. Oh well. I saw him once more on the boat: I was coming down the stairs and he was outside talking to Emili. He looked in the window and saw me and turned around and punched the air. After getting off the boat, I saw Adam again as we were checking out pictures and he didn't have the money for his so I offered to buy it for him. cj saw me talking to Adam and gave us really dirty looks. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I hadn't just wasted all these keystrokes on this bull.
So Liz left her purse (Coach, mind you) on a table under her pink sweater as we ran around the boat. We went to go check on her stuff later and her sweater was missing. Not the coach purse, not the cash, not the credit cards, but her sweater. We decided to keep an eye out for it and continue laughing at the idiot who would steal a sweater but not money (must've been a very cold thief). We were on the top floor when we spotted a couple and the girl was wearing the sweater. We all moved over to the railing next to them and giggled and tried to figure out if the sweater she was wearing was 3/4 length like Liz's. Indeed it was. So Jess (being the most drunk of all of us...) tried to get the girl's attention; she ignored us. We were trying to figure out what to do when I saw Mulligan. I was like "hey Mulligan, come here! we really need you." So Mulligan comes over and I explain the story to her and tell her she needs to figure out if this is Liz's sweater. So Mulligan gets her facts straight ("who's the girl with the sweater? Liz? You're Liz? Theresa's roommate? Who are you? And that's the girl right there?" etc). Mulligan walks over to the chick, physically turns her half around, punches her and starts pulling the sweater off. She hands it to Liz and asks if it's hers. It is. The girl starts explaining that she found the sweater on her chair and didn't want to just leave it, blah blah blah. It turns out Mulligan is good friends with the cold thief chick and that's why all the violence took place. We thought it was hilarious.
Finally, I was kinda pissed when a drunk Jess started lecturing to me about my relationship. Yes, I did kinda ask her what she thought of me and Nik but I expected a "you guys are cute" or something like that. She accused me of always needing a guy. She asked when the last time I didn't have a boyfriend was. I told her fall of freshmen year and she said "yeah, a whole two weeks." I don't know why I let her get to me, but I did. Maybe I'm just sensitive about my relationship. I know there are a lot of critics but I know that my heart doesn't care and I know I did the right thing. It's just hard to deal with...but I guess I'd rather have honest friends than not. I'm also glad she was drunk and didn't notice when I started talking to someone else in the middle of her rant.
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