The day after the last day of classes

Woo hoo! No more classes.

...too bad I screwed this semester up. Oh well, it was worth it...I hope.

sacrifices

Sometimes I feel as though I'm putting more in than he is. I don't think he realizes how much I hate using the back door when it's dark. I'm a tough girl because I came from a tough place...but being tough makes you more scared of things other people don't think about. I don't know why I allow myself to get so bothered and hurt by stupid little things that don't mean anything. I guess since I'm the one to make the walk to his house everyday I feel like I need him more than he needs me...and my personality doesn't allow me to be ok with that. I'm strong and independent...or so I like to think. I can never say no to him and maybe I should learn.
I was walking over here thinking awful things. When he wanted me to cuddle I would tell him that I was feeling too lazy to do what he wanted. But that's not productive.
I remember when I used to have these random handwritten fliers on the walls in my room to remind me of things I felt I needed to remember. My parents never liked them. They said things like "you can't change other people, you can only change yourself" in far-from-neat red permanent marker. I wish i remembered what the others said.
I want my super nintendo back.

It's good to be a Tri Delta

I'll be proud of us. I'll also let go of some of my anger and bitterness toward a certain fraternity...because karma has worked its ways and all is well with the world.

...and I'm a good luck charm. Hehehe, or at least I'll tell myself that.

Sitting in class

I'm bored. So the professor extended a deadline for homework 3 "indefinitely" about a week ago. Indefinitely means whenever...right? Anyway today in class he was like "everyone has homework 3 in, right? good." Darn. Darn darn darn. Oh well, I guess I actually have to finish tonight. I don't see how I can get in trouble for turning it in now when there was no actual deadline.
I need to go buy alcohol. It's Carnvial week darn it! Unfortunately I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow (for real this time!...and I hope I "accidentally" spit on my dentist...stupid jerk). I hope I'm not in so much pain or so high on wisdom-teeth drugs that I can't drink. Or maybe I hope that I am on happy wisdom-teeth drugs. Taking pills is a lot easier than swallowing lots of alcohol.

Booth

Ahh, the dilemma. I could work, hang out with Nik, or work on booth. Out of that list the only thing I don't want to do is the only thing I really ought to be doing. Darn CMU! What's really unfortunate is that I keep telling myself I'll work on booth right after I finish my work...too bad I'm a horrible procrastinator. At this rate I'll never get to midway. Sad face.

something to remember...

I found this quote in Paloma's facebook profile. It's something I should always remember so I'm never unhappy ever again.
"Never settle for anything less than mad, passionate and extraordinary love. There are too many mediocre things in life and love just shouldn't be one of them."

Update

So...I have been working...unfortunately I've been doing little actual writing. I spent some time at the library tonight feeling like I was doing work but maybe not. It was just comforting to get books that might somewhere have the words that need to be in my paper.
Status: 2 pages of outline done
10 pages of exam to write (by 9)
1 powerpoint presentation to create (by 12)
5-7 pages of "lessons learned" to write for PUI (by 3)

Advertising the blog....

So I've been thinking about whether or not I should let people know that I have a blog. It's not like I write anything interesting that people might want to read. At the same time, what's the point if no one is reading? At least one person is reading, and I guess that's what matters to me.

Ha, this may not be my last post tonight as I am procrastinating. This is a very bad idea considering I have to write 15 pages of BS in the next 17 hours.

Patrick, my first love

This puppy will always hold a special place in my heart. My high school sweetheart...I sometimes spent as many as 8 hours a day with him back in my high school days. Since I can't seem to add him to my Wish List (thanks Froogle...grrr) here he is...all 66"

Freak of the Week

Current themesong:
Freak of the Week by Marvelous 3
Forgive me for being a dumb girl and thanks for being so good to me when I'm not feeling like myself.

A quality conversation..

Theresa954: :{
Theresa954: I'm not actually sad...
Theresa954: I'm just pensive
o bel ange o: huh?
o bel ange o: well I'm glad you're not sad...but I'm confused.
Theresa954: haha
o bel ange o: short term memory + paloma = no memory.
Theresa954: I've been thinking about relationshipy stuff and it's getting to me
Theresa954: hahaha
Theresa954: it's cool
o bel ange o: ahhhh.
o bel ange o: oh dear. what's wrong/
Theresa954: this is coming out of nowhere
o bel ange o: ooh okay. that's fine.
Theresa954: nothing's wrong realy
Theresa954: Nik and I are fantastic
o bel ange o: i thought i had said something before and just completely forgot.
Theresa954: hahaha
o bel ange o: Well I'm glad. Relationshipy stuff in general or with someone in particular?
Theresa954: I do that
Theresa954: well, I kinda feel guilty that Nik and I are doing well
Theresa954: I've been thinking about Sara but more about cj
Theresa954: and thinking about those two can get to me after a while
o bel ange o: Well of course. It would anyone. Do you miss CJ? Or just feel bad.
Theresa954: I don't miss cj...I just feel bad
o bel ange o: I heard he was seeing someone. Any truth to that?
Theresa954: I was convinced I'd spend the rest of my life with him
Theresa954: I have no idea
Theresa954: he's married to someone on the facebook
o bel ange o: lol
o bel ange o: oh dear.
Theresa954: hahaha
o bel ange o: I understand. I dated someone for over 4 years. He was my best friend for 7 years before that. It was hard cause I had to make a change cause I was so young. Too young to be that serious. And it wasn't cause I didn' tlove him. Cause he's the reason why I want to have kids, but I just couldn't imagine me as being the person who could only imagine one future. You almost get stuck. Out of habit. Out of comfort and even out of love. And sometimes that's not enough for one person to be happy for a lifetime.
Theresa954: Yeah
o bel ange o: Change is mostly hard, but often healthy. No matter what kind of change. And even if it takes a long time to get to the place where you can see that and be happy with that. People are resiliant. And if you're happy. If Nik's happy then the others will follow suit cause they're likely to find a similar happiness along the way. Bitterness generally doesn't last long in decent people.
Theresa954: hehe
Theresa954: yeah
Theresa954: Well, I guess I'm still concerned that my relationship with Nik will only last as long as this school year
Theresa954: and perhaps I threw things away with cj for that
Theresa954: I don't regret it at all
Theresa954: but maybe I will later...
Theresa954: or maybe I won't
Theresa954: it's just a hard thing to deal with
Theresa954: I imagine that if Nik and I are still together at the end of the year that we'll try doing the long distance thing
Theresa954: it's just scary
Theresa954: we will have been dating for like 4 months
Theresa954: it seems like such a short time
Theresa954: but that's my head talking and not my heart
o bel ange o: Well then, you have your answer. You can't worry about the future all the time. It's enough pressure to be okay with what's happening now. Look at it this way, if you and CJ are meant to be together...this is just a bump in the road. If not...if you're like me and that boyfriend that I had so long ago...years from now you'll think of it as a lesson. or even as some insightful piece of personal history you can share with a friend like I'm doing with you. You and Nik may just survive. But if you don't, the relationship itself is an important part of who you are because it was a major learning experience and a transformation of sorts. You win either way.
Theresa954: Yeah, that's true
Theresa954: Unless I end up alone even after finding two amazing people
Theresa954: I feel like I'm being selfish, really
o bel ange o: Oh stop it. You'll never end up alone, T.
o bel ange o: That's just your insecurities talking.
o bel ange o: Why do you feel like you're being selfish.
o bel ange o: ?
Theresa954: It's so silly. Both of them always say all they want is to make me happy
o bel ange o: Haha. Yeah. They ALL say that.
Theresa954: haha, I know
Theresa954: but I know cj really focused a lot of his time on it
Theresa954: and I am lucky to have found both of them
Theresa954: but that makes me feel so selfish and guilty
Theresa954: why do I deserve this, you know?
o bel ange o: Exactly. Eh. You deserve it. Maybe not in the way you're thinking of right now. But this guy I used to date for like, a minute, after Dustin ( the 4 year one) and I broke up ( and I went on a dating rampage) told me that sometimes there are the kind of people out there who are never uniquely satisfied in relationships. They move around. They learn what they need to and move on. And its not necessarily a bad thing. You're just a wanderer of sorts. But one thing is for sure, you'll probably find more happiness and more love this way than anyone would in their lifetime....In essence, its a gift and a curse. You get to love a lot. That's never bad. But you gotta sacrifice a lot too. You just have to make sure you keep a balance that keeps you without regret.
o bel ange o: Regret is the killer.
Theresa954: Yeah, I always tell myself I don't regret things
Theresa954: and I rarely do
Theresa954: I don't want to be a wanderer
o bel ange o: Well look at it this way, you may leave some guys behind who are amazing in your travels, but imagine who the person who'll end up making you want to stay will be like.
Theresa954: It's just so weird to think that had cj asked me to marry him...even when we were having problems I would've said yes. Because despite everything I loved him and I knew it would be hard for a guy to top him in my life
Theresa954: maybe tridelt is getting to me
o bel ange o: Yeah.
o bel ange o: Tridelt has a tendency to do that.
Theresa954: Pearlma and I were taling about how we feel like everyone around us is all engaged and stuff
Theresa954: so we feel like if we don't have a diploma and ring by the time we leave we're failures
Theresa954: but that's totally not true
Theresa954: Your last comment is very tru
o bel ange o: I thought for a long time that what I needed was an education and tons of money so that I wouldn't have to be poor anymore and I could take care of my family and I could make my mom proud. I wanted to be that person who had that great glamourous sort of life. And after the past 4 years here...when I learned it would be really hard to near impossible to have a child or complications with pregnany...now all I want to have is kids and have a nice house and be a good mom. Your idea of the world changes alot. Maybe marriage is important to you. But maybe to someone else its paramount. *shrugs* People are different. Maybe they're really supposed to be together. My parents were high school sweethearts. But maybe they're where you were. And don't know the difference between real love that will last a lifetime and the kind of love that appears to be that way.
Theresa954: hmmm
Theresa954: Change in perspective is what scares me
o bel ange o: It should. It's a scary thing.
Theresa954: Because a few months ago I could never imagine myself being happy with someone other than cj
Theresa954: and now I don't even knwo what he did for spring break
o bel ange o: Well, its obvious that despite you're fear you still move ahead valiantly.
Theresa954: and it took me two years to figure out that I loved cj but couldn't be with him
o bel ange o: your fear
Theresa954: so no matter how happy I am in my relationship with Nik or whoever I feel like I'm going to have these benchmarks that won't allow me to completely happy until I pass them
Theresa954: if Nik and I are happy for the next year and a half, for example
Theresa954: I'll have to wait til that 2 year mark to tell myself that I really am happy and everything will be ok
o bel ange o: you want my brutally honest opinion, t?
o bel ange o: I think you think too much.
Theresa954: haha
Theresa954: I agree
Theresa954: so does Nik
o bel ange o: And I think in the end that might be your problem.
o bel ange o: Things happen. Things happened. It's okay. It happens to EVERYONE. Just go with it.
o bel ange o: And see what happens.
o bel ange o: No more Dawson's Creek type Psychoanalysis.
o bel ange o: That's the kind of thing that'll kill you.
o bel ange o: And I learned this from MUCH experience.
Theresa954: hmmm
Theresa954: you're right
o bel ange o: I know I'm right. I'm cool like that.
o bel ange o: jk.
Theresa954: I'm happy now...so I should just let myself be happy
o bel ange o: Yes. Or you'll never be happy.
o bel ange o: If that makes any sense.
o bel ange o: lol
Theresa954: hahah
o bel ange o: Take the obstacles as they come. You've got some amazing people around you who will help you. And you've got a more than good head on your shoulders.
o bel ange o: You'll be okay.
Theresa954: Yeah, I know...
Theresa954: ...I don't know why I let these things bother me so much
o bel ange o: You're a good person. Good people tend to be tortured.
o bel ange o: Cause they worry too much about other people.
o bel ange o: And because I think our generation has watched WAY too much fucking WB shows.
o bel ange o: It's a disease.
o bel ange o: Overthinkingitus.
Theresa954: hahaha
Theresa954: I never watched WB shows
Theresa954: hehe
o bel ange o: but the people around you did.
Theresa954: this is a product of my natural self
o bel ange o: and its airborne.
Theresa954: ahh, I see
o bel ange o: haha. notice how EVERYONE overthinks things.
o bel ange o: I don't think previous generations had this much of an epidemic.

Nik's profile

aivan i-kirjain palvelukseen halutaan jotta ajaa jotta olla avulla te, ja te peittää huovalla sama. ainoastaan kas noin we're erikseen ja ransuumaasta kajahtaa. te can't kuulua nyt kuluva, ainoastaan i-kirjain haluta te taaksepäin ja i'll ajaa jokin jotta ehtiä se esiintyä.

Funny Mike Quote

lemen17: i've never felt more threatened than when you four or five girls found out i don't recycle
lemen17: i didn't think i'd make it out alive

The day I ended it...

Paloma's away message:
Auto response from o bel ange o: "Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting..and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir. Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us. Guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love...the clarity of hatred...and the ecstacy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could life without passion maybe we would know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead."


Theresa S is an amazing person.

Dream...

I'm going to write down what I remember of the dream I had last night.
At one point I was in a large building...it was like there was a farm show or a monster truck show or something.
Then I was in this town with weird families....very perfect or something.
Eventually there was some important Tridelt meeting and 5 presidents from other chapters came over. There was one girl who would only eat red meats or lamb but without cheese. We had to figure out what to give them for dinner...so we took out two different pasta sauces. One was red and had fairly big pieces of cheese slivers in it. In lookin at the label (I always feel like I can read in my dreams) I was trying to figure out if the big white pieces were garlic or cheese and I read they were paramasan cheese. Then I got into an argument with Georgia (I think) because the one girl wouldn't eat cheese or something.
I dont know where we were. It was someplace I didn't recognize but it was familiar enough that I think I thought it was Georgia or Caryl's place.
I don't know where this part actually falls...but I remember seeing Nik and Sara together. They were sitting at a table feeding each other a veggie burger.
The last thing I remember is that Georgia decided to meet with the 5 Tridelta girls by herself and they locked themselves in this room to meet. Caryl was really upset because she wasn't invited and they wouldn't let her in.

PostSecret

PostSecret
I thought I got this random email from someone I don't know. it turns out it's just my cousin Ashleigh. (I didn't recognize the email address as her because she calls herself Ashes Lieber....how the f*** was I supposed to know that was her?). Anyway, I went to the site and it's actually quite interesting. I feel like I'm a person full of secrets but in trying to decide what secret I would put on a postcard, I can't come up with anything. Perhaps it's because of the restrictions put on the secret: it has to be true and something I've never shared with anyone else. I always share my secrets. It makes me feel better.

Song for cj

Good Charlotte's Hold On

Eagles

So it's the 4th quarter and the eagles are losing 21-14. It's very sad. I need the eagles to win. We'll see.

Caryl Quotes

"I need to pee but I'm talking to Mike. Do you think I could take my laptop into the bathroom?"
Me: you could...

5 minutse later
"what if i put it on the sink?"


If I IMed him and said if I could snap my fingers and be in fairfax right now, how would you feel about that and he was like "go for it" I would go :::snaps fingers::::

Caryl quotes continued

"Let's go make out. Huaggghhh (horrible hacking noise)"