I really wish I could write poems or songs. It would make expressing myself a lot easier. I much prefer to put cryptic lyrics in my profile than to actually say what's going on. I do it because I need to let it out, to scream and shout to anyone who might be listening without actually letting them know what's going on. It's why, when I'm asked, I tell people they're to be interpreted any way the reader would like, but only I really know. That's gotten me in trouble in the past. I don't know how many people actually look over them and wonder what's going on in my head, I think it would be interesting (but more likely disappointing) to find out.
I just realized I feel like Meredith (from Grey's, of course); she knitted a sweater.
It was good seeing my sisters again. I miss them. It's really hard to go from being in a house full of girls who love you unconditionally to driving around California aimlessly and alone. I should be realistic. I consider myself lucky for having the friends I do have in my new home. It just totally sucks being an adult.
It was good seeing Steve again. I miss him. I wish he wasn't having such a hard time with everything. I wish there was something I could do.
Everything does happen for a reason - I know it does. I just wish I knew the reason because waiting is hard.
The next day...
I'm so tired. I'm so so tired of thinking about it and crying over it and reliving everything in my head. I really just want it all to be over. I want to get on with my life. I can't be productive like this. I'm trying to get all of my finances all nice and organized, but I just can't because I can only think about one thing. I don't know why I can't distract myself or allow myself to think about anything else. I don't want to be in this horrible fog of a life anymore, I want to go back to being myself.
Throughout the day people kept asking me how my trip went, so I had to tell them. It went well, it really did. I came out of it better than I went in. It wasn't ideal for me, but it was the best I suppose (even though I hate to admit that). So I thought about it a bit. He says he cares about me and isn't angry with me anymore. I can't help but wonder if he's just doing a fantastic job of manipulating me into thinking those things so I'll leave him alone. I don't want to be some psycho chick, but it makes sense. What do you do when some girl won't let go? You tell them, "it's not you, it's me" a la George Costanza. While that thought is making the rounds through my head, I don't actually believe it. I believe every word he told me. And as agonizing as it is, I'm still waiting.
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